happysmilepatrol: 2013

The grocery shrink ray is something we've all encountered and is nothing new.

For years now, cans of coffee, cartons of ice cream, and boxes of cereal, just to name a few things, have regularly been made smaller and smaller while the price stays the same. Cereal boxes in particular have become so pathetically thin that before long you'll be able to run down the cereal aisle and the boxes will all go flying in your wake. That will be a fun viral video craze! Well, except for the people who have to clean up the mess.

But what is it called when a company completely changes a product without any outer indication that it's changed at all?

I've worn Levi's 569 loose fit jeans for over a decade. They fit me perfectly. Then a few years ago they completely changed how they fit. This new (and current) version is significantly tighter in the thighs, much bigger in the waist and butt, and made out of noticeably thinner material. Yet they are still called called by the same name, with no indication that anything has changed. If you hadn't heard about it, you'd never notice until you tried a new pair on found that they don't fit.

Similarly, I've been buying Charmin toilet paper for many years now. I used to use Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper, then a few years ago I switched to Charmin Ultra Strong toilet paper. It worked well, was soft without falling apart, and could usually be found for about fifty cents for each double roll. But after my most recent purchase of it, I will never buy Charmin toilet paper again.

I first noticed something was wrong when I put a new roll on the holder and there was even more empty room than usual. I checked and sure enough, the old rolls were 10.8cm wide, while the new rolls are only 9.9cm wide. The new roll covers only 73% of the length of the holder, leaving over 25% empty space.

This isn't the first time they've made the rolls narrower. A few years ago they trimmed 1cm or so off the rolls as well.

While the narrower roll is the most obvious change, Charmin made two other negative changes to their toilet paper.

The first is they reduced the number of sheets on the rolls. The number of sheets for double rolls was reduced from 176 to 165 sheets per roll, and for mega rolls it went from 352 to 330 sheets per roll.

The third and biggest change, though, the one that ruined the product, is that they completely changed the texture. Before, both the Ultra Strong and Ultra Soft versions were very soft. Now, it's like sandpaper. I don't buy Kleenex, and instead just put rolls of toilet paper around for when I need to blow my nose. After just a couple day of using the new rolls, both my nose and butthole are sore from the rough new tissue.

Many other people noticed these changes as well, and the comments page on the Charmin Facebook page is overrun with complaints.

The Charmin PR person who has been given the unenviable task of responding to the flood of complaints about the now ruined product actually claims that the new texture is actually a feature. Here are a couple sample responses to complaints about the new version:

Charmin: Hi Memi, so sorry! We didn’t intend for anyone feel this way. Along with the slightly shorter roll, we made some product upgrades such as the comfort cushions on the Ultra Soft rolls for enhanced softness. We know price is important and our goal is to offer the highest quality toilet paper at a great value. I’m sharing your expectations with our team and appreciate you reaching out to us.
September 30 at 2:59pm

Charmin: Hi Sheila, Sorry to hear of your disappointment when you opened up the new Charmin! In addition to the rolls being slightly shorter, the new pattern of comfort cushions were added to enhance softness. We wouldn’t expect it to be less soft so I’m definitely sharing your comments. We also added some fibers back into the sheet for a more concentrated tissue that still covers the width of an average hand, to get the job done. I understand you liked the original just fine but hope you’ll give this newer version a try and check back with us later. We appreciate your feedback.
September 30 at 3:00pm

So now changing it from very soft to very rough is "enhanced softness." If Bush 43 were still president whoever came up with this Orwellian gem would probably be a frontrunner for the Medal of Freedom or something.

While I know I'll never buy Charmin toilet paper again, I still have a bunch of these new horrible rolls. While they're obviously not fit for contact with skin, I don't want them to go to waste. So I think I'll use them in place of paper towels until they run out. I try to use paper towels as little as possible, often tearing off just a few inches at a time. While this toilet paper is surely not as absorbent as regular paper towels, they should be more convenient when I only want a small piece.

Then there's the issue of what toilet paper I'll buy going forward. After looking around, the current best option looks to be Walmart's Great Value Ultra Strong toilet paper. The "big" rolls (comparable to the double roll size for Charmin) have a generous 200 sheets per roll, and are 10.8cm wide. They're also very soft, and about the same per roll price as the Charmin Ultra Strong.

Hopefully they and other toilet paper manufacturers don't follow Charmin's lead in ruining their product and maintain their current quality. If they do, they stand to gain a lot of new customers as I expect many people to be looking for a new brand after they discover just how awful the new Charmin is.

UPDATE (January 6, 2015): After I wrote this in October 2013, Wal-Mart discontinued the version of Great Value toilet paper that I recommended above, reducing the width of the roll from 10.8cm to 10.1cm, and also reducing the number of sheets per roll. Because of this I no longer recommend Great Value toilet paper. This morning I wrote a new post with current information and a new recommendation, which can be found here: Toilet paper: An update.