My 7 top people to be The Next Boss* on The Office

*If from now on there're only going to refer to Michael Gary Scott as "the last boss," (which, if you ask me, is f'in awful) then it's only fair that the next boss, whoever it might be, is only ever referred to as "the current boss."

Note: Only people who are realistic possibilities were eligible for this list. People who are currently committed to other shows, are movie stars, are dead, or have not yet born were not considered.

7. James Spader



Of the outside people interviewed in the season finale, my favorite was Will Arnett, who would have been perfect as the next boss. Unfortnately, he's already going to be on another show this fall. Of the other candidates, James Spader seems like the most realistic possibility. The problem is that they've already pigeonhold his character in a big, and not good, way. I think the the next boss should be similar to Michael in that he or she is well-meaning, but flawed, and should have a whole new set of comedic quirks. I think James Spader could definitely meet that requirement, but I'm not sure his character could.


6. Ed Helms



The problem with an internal hire is that what's needed isn't a new regional manager of the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin, but a new star of The Office. With Michael leaving they lost the comedic head, and the internal hire candidates are all appendages. By choosing one of them, no matter which, you're just getting another arm or leg, and The Office isn't going to work as some kind of headless 3 legged monster. Of those still being considered by the end of the season 7 finale, Ed Helms might be the best choice, as he's a big movie star now, and as fleshed out as his character is, it seems like there's still room for him to develop if he was made the next boss (although obviously he could never be referred to by his character's name again if he was chosen).


5. Patrick Stewart



Yes, seriously. While this is admittedly a risky choice, I think there's a very good chance that he would be awesome as the next boss, considering he was hilarious on Extras, and he's always good on American Dad.


4. An SNL alum, such as Darrell Hammond, Steve Martin, Jon Lovitz, or Chris Parnell



Basically, someone with an established improv background (transferability of credits is not an issue). While there are obviously issues with these actors having been established as actors on past episodes, comedy trumps continuity.


3. Ken Marino



He was hilarious on Party Down as a very Michaelesque boss, and I see no reason why he would be any less hilarious on The Office.


2. Kristen Wiig



She's been my favorite SNL cast member ever since I started watching it again a few years ago, and is so versatile that she would be great at 10 completely different versions of the next boss.


1. John Hodgman



obv.

Beatles & Bobbleheads

In anticipation of the release of the remastered albums next month, I've been listening to The Beatles a lot lately. I've also been readinga lot of facts & opinions about the different versions that are going to be available: Stereo versions available separately for every album, a stereo box set, and a mono box set.

The 10 albums from Please Please Me to the "White Album" were originally released in mono, while the final 3 albums, Yellow Submarine, Abbey Road, and Let It Be were originally released in stereo.

The only way to get all the newly remastered CDs in the same versions as they were originally released is apparently to buy the mono box set plus the individual stereo versions of the final 3 CDs.

The incomplete mono box set that contains the 10 mono albums and the 2-disc Mono Masters sells for $230, which works out to a ridiculous $19.17 per CD. Plus, you still have to buy the individual Yellow Submarine, Abbey Road, and Let It Be CDs, as well as the individual version of Past Masters, since Mono Masters doesn't have The Ballad Of John And Yoko, Old Brown Shoe, or Let It Be. This works out to over $280 to get all the albums and songs in the versions that they were originally released.

In contrast, with the stereo box set, you get the complete 15 CDs as well as a DVD with 13- mini-documentaries for a much more reasonable $180. This works out to a mere $12 per CD.

The stereo mixes of the first 10 albums were made as an afterthought since back then stereo, while an immature technology, was nonetheless a hot gimmick. Besides not being the versions of the albums that The Beatles themselves were most concerned about, some of the stereo versions of songs have the vocals on only one channel, which is awkward, if not unpleasant, to listen to. It's ridiculous that the stereo versions are what were used back when the first version of The Beatles CDs were released, and it's even worse that they're repeating this mistake with these new releases.

I think it would be much better if rather than individual stereo releases, a complete stereo box set, and an incomplete mono box set, instead all the individually available albums were the same as they were originally released. Also, there should only be 1 box set, which has all the albums as they were originally released, the first 10 in mono, the final 3 in stereo, and Past Masters with all the songs as they were originally released.

If they want to release a box set with the stereo versions of the first 10 albums, that would be fine. Instead of the main version, it would be a curiosity like The Capitol Albums box sets that were released a few years back.

---

NBC is going crazy releasing bobbleheads. It started (I think) a few years ago with a Dwight bobblehead like the one seen in season 2 from The Office. Then after that a talking one of Michael Scott was released, which had no direct connection to The Office. Now they're releasing 14 more of all the main characters from the Office, which like the Michael one have no connection to the show. At the NBC store they also have non-Office related bobbleheads, including ones of the main character from the shows Monk, Psych, Heroes, ones for their show hosts Keith Olbermann, Jim Cramer, and Howie Mandel, and last but not least, The Dude.

What's funny is that originally on The Office, before Angela gave Dwight the bobblehead of himself, Dwight had various bobbleheads on his desk to show what a loser he was.

Despite being a big fan of The Office, these new bobbleheads don't appeal to me. The possible exception is the Kelly one, since I think it would go nice with the Dwight bobblehead I have.

But I'm sure there are lots of fans who these will appeal to, so I guess it's good NBC is making these. It'll be interesting to see in a year or two how far NBC has gone with this, and if they've released bobbleheads for all their shows.

The main thing that irks me about the bobbleheads is how they're being sold. There are 14 new bobbleheads and they're releasing 1 a week, for the discounted price of $15 plus $6.75 or more for shipping, a discount from the regular $19 plus shipping. I don't know why they're selling them like this. I think it would be much better if they released them all at once. Maybe they're trying to trick people into not realizing how much it'll be to buy them all, kind of like those president coin boards they sell on TV, where you get the board and the first and last coin for $10 or so, but then the rest of the coins are a few dollars each plus shipping, so if you want to complete the board you're going to have to spend a few hundred dollars. $19 plus shipping for each bobblehead doesn't seem too bad - but it adds up. To get all 14 of the new bobbleheads, even at the discounted price, it's over $300 to get them all shipped.

Even considering this complete price turn-off, I think it would have been better if in addition to releasing all the new bobbleheads individually, they released all the bobbleheads, both the 14 new as well as the 2 older ones, in some kind of deluxe complete set. The set would have a small discount (maybe 10-20%) to buying them all individually, plus big shipping savings. More importantly, to push sales the box set would have a bobblehead that isn't available individually. My first choice would be Mose. Or possibly a special version of the Dwight Bobblehead, such as one that's (fake) gold plated, or Dwight in one of his various costumes, like his karate gi from season 2, or of when he dressed up as Jim in season 3, or one of the 2 Halloween costumes we've seen him in, either the Sith costume from season 2, or even better, his Joker costume from season 5. The extra item doesn't even have to be a bobblehead, it could be something else, such as the Princess Unicorn doll from season 5. I never understood why, after coming up with such a hilarious idea, all they did with it outside of the show was making a mock website and selling a couple babydoll women's shirts. Did they not manufacture and sell the doll out of fear of getting sued by Mattel? I'm pretty sure if the Princess Unicorn doll was made available exclusively with the bobblehead complete set, it would sell out right away, just like the "real" Princess Unicorn dolls.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Wrap-Up

I just cast my last votes for this year's contest, and I ended up voting for

2 people 6 times
2 people 3 times
2 people 2 times
5 people 1 time

Reading the other people's entries was definitely my favorite part of the contest this year. Even though a lot fewer people entered this year than in the previous 3 years, there were still a lot of awesome entries.

Trimming my entries down to meet the maximum word-limit was definitely my least favorite part. I don't remember having a lot of trouble with that in previous years, but this time it was brutal.

Of my entries for the previous 4 years contests, I think my entries last year were the best I've done. My entries this year's were probably better than my entries the first two years, though.

Reviewing my entries for things I'd change, I'm happy enough with my entries for the first 2 weeks. I think my entry for the 3rd week sucks, but I don't know what I'd do differently. My entry for week 4 is probably my 2nd favorite of my entries this year. The thing I debated the most about was whether to have Michael mention that he'd been working on a hilarious AIDS joke in his letter. I guess I'm glad I left that out, though.

The poetry and song parody prompts are usually my least favorite to write for (although also some of my favorite to read the other entries for, so it's all good). With that in mind, for week 5 I took full advantage (i.e., unabashedly abused) of the no word limit thing in writing dialogue around the song parody like others did. There's one thing I wanted to include but didn't for no good reason. Instead of this:

Michael: How we doing, Pam, anything happening down there? ...Puuuush!

It would instead have been this:

Michael: How we doing, Pam, anything happening down there?

Dwight: That's what she...

Michael: (Interrupting.) Don't you dare, Dwight, that is completely inappropriate. This is a sacred occasion!

For week 6, I like my entry, but there are a few things I would change. The forgotten question mark at the end of the title in the first line, obviously. Also, even though the word limit was 300, I think my entry would have been better at 250 or even 200 words. A title I thought of the day after submitting my entry was "Do The Dwight Thing." I'm not sure if that's awesome or awful. Also, I should have had the National Geographic magazines been German. Apparently there it's just "National Geographic Deutschland," but I still wish I'd called them "Nationalen Geografisch."

For week 7, the word limit was only 250, and I really wish it had been 300. Cutting to 250 wasn't too time consuming, but the big cut I made was probably my favorite thing from any of my entries. Here's what my entry would have been if the word limit had been 300 words (new part is bold):

Jim is talking to Michael in his office. Dwight is eavesdropping from his desk, but with the door closed he only hears a few words.

Jim: Corporate... rewriting reports... pissing contest... Charles... time...

Jim returns to his desk.

Dwight: Jim, can I talk to you, privately. (Dwight motions with his head to the stairwell.)

Stairwell

Dwight: If the future of this company depends on, as you so crudely put it, a pissing contest, then I should handle it.

Jim: What... why?

Dwight: (He looks around to make sure they're alone.) Because I'm an Ultimate Urinating Championship hall of famer.

Jim: Sure you are.

Dwight: (Dwight opens his suit coat and peels back the liner to reveal over a dozen medals. He points to the top left.) Distance. (Bottom left) Duration. (Top right) Accuracy. (Bottom right) Artistry.

Jim: But don't you have chronic kidney stones? And what about that time your pee was green?

Dwight: That is the price I pay for flying too close to the sun in my quest to unleash the maximum potential of my species.

Jim: Wow...

Dwight (TH): Of course I'm proud of my success in the UUC. But if my underlings here knew just how dominant I am outside of the office, they wouldn't be able to handle it, and they'd end up like Tom.

Later that day.

Dwight returns to his desk holding a big glass of beet cider and notices Pam has several gold yogurt lids hanging around her neck.

Dwight: What are those? (Dwight looks at Jim, then back to Pam.) What league did you win those in? American or international rules? Were the judges certified?

Pam: Not now, Dwight, I'm training. (Pam sips some water.)

Dwight grunts, then chugs his glass, spilling beet cider all over himself.

------------

My entry for week 8 is my favorite of my entries this year. The one thing I didn't like was the robe and wizard hat bit near the end. I just couldn't resist referencing that meme. Even though I think that's something Michael would do, it should have been Michael having some prop(s) for a trick and saying "Who wants to see some magic?".

For week 9, I didn't decide on the idea I went with until Sunday morning. Before then I had been planning on writing about a horrible prank Dwight was going to pull on Jim. I definitely like the idea I went with a lot better, but as I wrote before, I really blew it with the part at the prison.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 9

The prompt for week #9: "It's going to take a long time . . . And then it's perfect."

And my entry:

The elevator doors open. Pam, holding Vincent, and Jim walk out.

Jim: I don't know, he just said it was important. Maybe he perfected cold fusion.

Pam: Or maybe he has a new ringtone.

Jim opens the main office door. They take a few steps then stop when they see Dwight, wearing an orange prison jumpsuit, putting jumpsuits on everybody's desks. Jim and Pam look at each other.

Michael: Vincent! You're getting so big!

Pam: What is all this?

Michael: It's been 1 month since Ryan's probation was revoked, so we're all gonna go visit him at the prison today.

Jim: Why the jumpsuits?

Michael: To show our solidarity with Ryan. (Michael raises his fist.) Oh, and don't worry, I didn't forget about Vincent. (Michael walks to Pam's desk and picks up an infant sized orange jumpsuit along with a tiny bandana).

Pam: Ok. We'll see you at home. Be careful.

Jim: Alright, bye you two.

Andy: Later Little Tuna!
___________________________

Later, at the prison.

Michael: Ryan!

Ryan: Holy [bleep].

Michael runs over and hugs Ryan.

Ryan just stands there for a moment, then turns around, walks to a guard, and leaves the visiting area.

Jim: Hey, guard! Don't forget this one. (Jim points to Dwight.)

Dwight: Haha, very funny, Jim.

A guard grabs Dwight's arm and leads him away.

Dwight: No, you don't understand. We're just visiting.

Dwight (TH): (Sporting a shaved head.) I do not want to talk about prison. (He gets up and walks to his desk.)

---------------------

I like the first part well enough, but not the end with what Ryan does or Dwight's talking head. I've hated trimming 50 or more words from most of my entries this year, and rather than try and write something interesting for Ryan I took the easy way out to avoid that. I think I should have made Dwight's TH end positively for him, like maybe him landing the prison as an account or something.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 8

The prompt for week #8: "Soccer Moms, Single Moms, Nascar Moms"

And my entry:

By 10:37 AM Rachel Howard had completed the same amount of work it normally took her son an entire day to complete. The work had been easy; it had been more difficult explaining to Pam that Ryan was sick and she'd be filling in for him today.

While most moms would've balked at the suggestion, she had reason for accepting. The only thing keeping her from finishing graduate school was her unfinished doctoral dissertation, "Here and There and Everywhere: Jungian Archetypes in Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears."

Despite working on it intermittently over 16 years, she had never matched all the protagonists to people in a single natural setting. Undeterred, she took out a printout of List of Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears characters to try and match them here.

After watching the redhead across from her sneak drinks from a flask, Rachel checked off Grammi, the gummiberry juice maker. Before long she had checked off the stern but effective Gruffi for Dwight, the talented but moody Gusto for Andy, and the slow Tummi for Kevin. Over lunch in the break room, Jim told the story of him and Pam. Rachel mentally checked off the humans Cavin and Princess Calla.

In the woman's room, Rachel met Kelly. She seemed to know Ryan pretty well, although he'd never mentioned her. After returning to her desk, she checked off the immature Sunni. After thinking a moment she checked off the ambitious Cubbi for Ryan.

That left only Zummi, the fumbling magician prone to misspeaking. Rachel sighed as he was always the hardest to match. Just then Michael walked out of his office wearing a robe and wizard hat. Rachel checked off Zummi and, imitating Brandi Chastain, pulled off her shirt, dropped to her knees, and raised both arms in celebration.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 7

The prompt for week 7: "Secret Secrets Hurt Someone"

And my entry:

Jim is talking to Michael in his office. Dwight is eavesdropping from his desk, but with the door closed he only hears a few words.

Jim: Corporate... rewriting reports... pissing contest... Charles... time...

Jim returns to his desk.

Dwight: Jim, can I talk to you, privately. (Dwight motions with his head to the stairwell.)

Stairwell

Dwight: If the future of this company depends on, as you so crudely put it, a pissing contest, then I should handle it.

Jim: What... why?

Dwight: (He looks around to make sure they're alone.) Because I'm an Ultimate Urinating Championship hall of famer.

Jim: Sure you are.

Dwight: (Dwight opens his suit coat and peels back the liner to reveal over a dozen medals. He points to the top left.) Distance. (Bottom left) Duration. (Top right) Accuracy. (Bottom right) Artistry.

Jim: Wow...

Dwight (TH): Of course I'm proud of my success in the UUC. But if my underlings here knew, they'd constantly be bothering me for autographs and to do exhibitions at parties.

Later that day.

Dwight returns to his desk holding a big glass of beet cider and notices Pam has several gold yogurt lids hanging around her neck.

Dwight: What are those? (Dwight looks at Jim, then back to Pam.) What league did you win those in? American or international rules? Were the judges certified?

Pam: Not now, Dwight, I'm training. (Pam sips some water.)

Dwight grunts, then chugs his glass, spilling beet cider all over himself.

Jim smirks at the camera.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 6

The prompt for Week 6: "69 Is Not A Vowel, Kevin."

And my entry:

FACT: Dwight Schrute was a contestant on Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?.

While Dwight had never played the computer game, his family had a large collection of National Geographic magazines that he'd read each night after finishing in the beet field, leaving him with formidable geographic knowledge and the magazines stained with beet juice.

On the show, Dwight's superior reflexes in the Lightning Round were enough to get him to first place after the first round. In the second round, he got lucky and found the loot, the warrant, and the crook, Top Grunge, on his third turn to move on to the finals.

In the finals, the big map was of the Caribbean, which was one of Dwight's specialties. The timer started and the first country named was Barbados. Dwight ran right to it, put the marker down, and the siren sounded. Dwight correctly identified the next five countries, Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Curaçao, Haiti, and Antigua with similar ease. There were still 20 seconds left on the timer when Dwight was told the final country he needed to visit to catch Carmen: Cuba. Dwight froze. After a moment he said, "For many years now the United States has had an embargo against Cuba. It would be against the law for me to go there. What kind of Commie show is this?" The ACME Special Agent tried to explain that it was just a game, but Dwight ignored him. Dwight then picked up the final marker and shouted "Communists!" as he hurled it through the window of The Chief's office.

Dwight was disqualified without prize and the original film was destroyed. Also, everyone involved agreed never to speak of the incident again, which, come to think of it, sure does happen a lot when Dwight is involved.

----------------

I submitted this a few minutes ago with just over 30 minutes before the deadline. I wasn't sure I was going to enter a few hours ago since I didn't have an idea I liked. I'm sure I spent over a half hour minutes proofreading my entry and making small changes, and yet about 3 seconds after submitting it I noticed an obvious mistake in the very first line. D'oh! Since Blogger has no draconian penalties for correcting grammar mistakes I've taken the liberty of fixing it above.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 5

The prompt for week 5: The "Beers in Heaven" Memorial Prompt

And my entry:

Michael: I was up all night figuring out how I could help make today the best day ever for Jim and Pam. So here's a song that's an old favorite with a new twist. Dwight, would you and your friend do the harmonies for me?

Dwight and Mose walk toward the stage.

Cut to a previously recorded Jim and Pam talking head.

Jim (TH): After what Michael did at Phyllis's wedding, we were hesitant to invite him.

Pam (TH): But we figured, he couldn't do anything worse, right?

Michael: Oh, and in case any of you didn't know, Pam is way pregnant. That dress really hides it well. You guys should see her around the office. She looks like she could pop any day now. Pam, why don't you show everyone how big your bump is? Just lift up your... no? Alright, maybe later after you've had a few drinks.... Hit it!

The music to The Beatles' version of "Twist and Shout" starts.

Well, push out that baby, now, (push out that baby)
Push it out. (push it out)
C'mon c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now, (come on baby)
Come on and push it on out. (push it on out)
Well, push it on out, honey. (push it on out)
You know you look so big. (look so big)
You know you want to have it now, (want to have it)
Just like I knew you would. (like I knew you would)
Well, push out that baby, now, (push out that baby)
Push it out. (push it out)
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now, (come on baby)
Come on and push it on out. (push it on out)
You know you push your little girl, (push, little girl)
You know you push so fine. (push so fine)
Come on and push a little harder, now, (push a little harder)
And let us know that it's time. (let us know it's time)

Waahhhhhhhhhh Waahhhhhhhhhh Waahhhhhhhhhh
Waahhhhhhhhhhh Waahhhhh Waahhhhh

Well, push out that baby, now, (push out that baby)
Push it out. (Push it out)
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby, now, (come on baby)
Come on and push it on out. (push it on out)
You know you push your little girl, (push, little girl)
You know you push so fine. (push so fine)
Come on and push a little harder, now, (push a little harder)
And let us know that it's time. (let us know it's time)
Well, push it, push it, push it, baby, now. (push out that baby)
Well, push it, push it, push it, baby, now. (push out that baby)
Well, push it, push it, push it, baby, now. (push out that baby)

Waahhhhhhhhhh Waahhhhhhhhhh Waahhhhhhhhhh

Michael: How we doing, Pam, anything happening down there? ...Puuuush!

The camera pans to Jim and Pam. They just stare.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 4

After submitting my week 3 entry I read through the week 2 entries to pick 3 to vote for. One of the other entries, which was posted the day before I posted mine, had the same basic idea as mine. Oops. Even if I had seen it before I posted my entry I probably would have posted mine the same anyway since by then I was already done with mine and scrapping an entry no one was going to vote for and spending a bunch of time on a new entry no one was going to vote for either probably wouldn't have been worth the time. Although it would have been fun thinking of what Michael thinks he would do if he was president.

Prompt for Week 4: Reality Television -- Well Now That's Fairly Embarassing

And my entry:

Everyone is working when Michael walks into the office carrying a newspaper. He opens it, then holds it up to everyone. There's a large picture of Michael as Ping below the headline "Nauseating Comedy Act."

Michael: They love me! I'm a star!

Jim: Um, I don't think that's a compliment.

Michael: Of course it is, Jim. Making an audience laugh so hard they feel like throwing up is what every comedian perspires to.

Dwight sticks his finger in his mouth.

Michael: No, dummy, I didn't tell a joke. Say, Pam... (Michael looks to reception, then turns to Pam and sees she's on a sales call.) Nevermind, I'll do it myself.

Michael goes into his office.
_______________________

Tom,

The documentary I wrote you about before started airing recently. Last night's segment was our annual Dundie Awards from several years ago. Watching my performance made me realize that I'm ready for the big time. So, I hereby request from you the honor of hosting the Academy Awards. Unlike some past hosts I have experience handing out trophies. A few ways I'd spice things up:

• I'd announce a few fake winners during the ceremony. When they* got up to the podium I'd shout, "Gotcha!"


• Instead of winners giving acceptance speeches, losers would have to give speeches explaining how the winner was better than them.


• One of my employees is named Oscar. Instead of the trophy, I'd present him to one of the winners* and say, "Here's your Oscar!"

I have many more ideas, but I'd prefer to tell you them in person. Let me know when you'll be in Scranton and we'll set something up.

Smiles,
Michael Scott

P.S.: No one knows this, but I've written a screenplay. If things go like I expect them to after the Oscars, I'd like you to audition for the role of my sidekick. Based on your performance in Forrest Gump, you'd be perfect. Just know that I am also interested in playing the part, similar to how in Austin Powers Mike Myers also played Mini-Me. Wasn't he amazing?

*Preferably Russell Crowe or Christian Bale

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 3

After the pathetic 6 entries for week 1's prompt, there were 18 entries for week 2. Now that's more like it!

Prompt for week 3: The Flendersons--A Match Made In Heaven. Except For The Divorce.

And my entry:

No Happy Ending

One day during Toby's first year at Saint Charles Borromeo Seminary outside Philly, he and the other seminarians had to picket Phoebe's Pleasure Palace, a brothel masquerading as a massage parlor. Their protest led to a police raid within an hour. Among the arrested was Cathy Zolinski. It was her first day as the receptionist. She was unaware of the illegal activity, but the police didn't believe her. After being released she relocated to Scranton. Toby grew obsessed with her after seeing her in news reports, and he left seminary to follow her back to Scranton. She thought he was cute, they started dating, and they soon married.

Things were going well for the Flendersons until one day they were visited by documentarians wanting to make a documentary about their lives because of their unique histories. The documentarians presented what their research had found, including that Toby was Phoebe's best customer, which was how they assumed the couple met. The planned title for the documentary was "Can Buy Me Love."

Cathy immediately kicked Toby out of the house and filed for divorce. The next day, trying to regain a modicum of control in his life, Toby jetted to Amsterdam to find a suitable replacement so the documentary could still move forward. Lightning did not strike twice.

The documentarians didn't want to start over from scratch, so they changed the subject of their documentary from the defunct Flendersons to the probably soon to be defunct company Toby works for. Dinkin' flicka.

--------------------

I'm not positive, but I think this might be the first time I actually waited till Sunday to post my entry. I just wish I had been able to come up with something better. The only other idea I seriously considered was that Toby's ex-wife Cathy was made up, and Sasha was an orphan he adopted at the seminary. It didn't make a lot of sense and probably wouldn't have been very funny, although I did like the opening line I came up with:

Question: Toby, his ex-wife Cathy, an elf, and a fairy run a 5k. Who wins?
Answer: Toby, because the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 2

For last week's prompt there were only 7 entries. Pathetic! Not that the other 6 entries weren't good, they were great, but in the previous 2 years' contests there were 35 and 29 entries the first week. Some people posted they had other stuff going on and what not, but I'm still really disappointed there weren't more entries since this was an awesome prompt and all the regulars always made such hilarious entries for past prompts, including many which, while good, were not as good as this one. There are already more than twice as many entries for the week 2 prompt, so that's good.

Prompt for week 2: Don't Be Listless...Enter This Week!

And my entry:

10. The new Yankee Stadium (on opening day). A disappointment in more ways than one, but YMMV.
9. World's Largest Shoe in Hallam
8. The Wonder Wheel at Coney Island
7. The Statue of Liberty's crown. Technically it's not going to reopen to the public until July 4, but like that guy said, "[T]he brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough."
6. Royal Victorian Manor in Woodstock, Illinois
5. Lackawanna Coal Mine. Go during the week and slip the tour guide $20 to get the mine all to yourselves.
4. Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas. Everyone said we had to go here when we told them our honeymoon was in Vegas. Quite the experience, although the Star Trek stuff was boring.
3. ZERO-G flight, also in Vegas. The weightlessness only lasts 25 seconds at a time, so plan accordingly.
2. Blackwell Island Lighthouse. This lighthouse is decommissioned, which was convenient since otherwise it would've been blindingly bright, unbearably hot, and it would've created a silhouette of us across the night sky.
1. Some house here in town. We have a realtor friend who sometimes lets us stay in unoccupied houses. We just threw caution to the wind here all weekend long. At one point, I almost went through the living room wall. We bought a clown painting to conceal the damage. Before putting it up, I carved "Easy Rider was here" on the wall underneath. Overall, an amazing and unforgettable experience.

-----------

The only other idea I seriously considered was a top 10 things Michael Scott would do if he was president.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 1

The 4th annual Northern Attack Summer Writing Contest started on Monday, when the first of 9 writing prompts was posted:

The first week's prompt.

If it's anything like previous years, the contest should be a lot of fun, even in the likely event that, objectively speaking, my entries are the worst in the contest.

Here's my entry for the first prompt:

The Future Is Just History That Hasn't Happened Yet

Michael and Holly approach each other from opposite ends of the stage.

Holly: Hello, I'm Haley, a time traveler from 2109. Who are you?

Michael reaches for his gun.

Holly shakes her head no.

Michael: I'm Mickey Scott, a... another time traveler from 2109.

Holly: Aren't you the great-grandson of Michael Scott and... Teri Hatcher?

Michael: Yes, and you must be the great-granddaughter of Holly Flax and... A.J. Holly was the best HR rep in Dunder Mifflin history. She... (Michael looks around.) stopped an alien invasion when she discovered the evil alien leader had taken over the body of Toby Flenderson, and terminated him. Hasta la vista, Toby!

Holly: Yes, and Michael was the best regional manager in Dunder Mifflin history. After the Toby... incident, contact was made with some other aliens. These aliens were peaceful, and came from a paperless planet. Michael negotiated with them the biggest business deal in history, which made Dunder Mifflin the exclusive paper product provider for their entire planet.

Michael: Yes, and that allowed Dunder Mifflin to open many branches worldwide, and even reopen the Buffalo branch, which was closed in 2009.

The crowd complains loudly.

Holly: Oh no... you guys didn't know?

David: Michael, Holly, we need to talk.

Michael: Uh, I think maybe it's time we went back to 2109, and...

Holly: ...Had a drink to celebrate the memory of our great-grandparents.

They disappear in a flash of light and smoke.

Michael and Holly walk out of the wooded area carrying chairs.

-----

In previous year's contests I've usually posted my entries right away when I was done since I was afraid that if I didn't someone else would post an entry with a similar idea first. I finished my entry Tuesday night and just made a few minor changes since then. I figured it was unlikely anyone else would use time travelers and aliens, so I held back submitting it. So obviously, earlier today an awesome entry was posted that was Terminator and future themed. I didn't want to start over, so I went ahead and posted what I had. I'm sure I'll lose points for having an entry similar to the one before it (as I should), but it's pretty unlikely anyone would have voted for my entry anyway, and now I can stop worrying about it and just enjoy all the awesome entries for this week's prompt.

Something for fans of The Office, poetry, holidays, or humor.

A couple weeks ago on Dunder Mifflin Infinity, each branch had the task of coming up with a holiday theme party. My branch, Ypsilanti, came up with an awesomely bad party that is told in an awesomely good poem along with awesome pictures. If you're a fan of The Office, poetry, holidays, or humor, then I think you'll enjoy this. Here's just the beginning of it:



All the finalists' parties, along with voting buttons so you can vote for your favorite party (the deadline to vote is January 8 at 3 PM ET), can be found here:



ETA (2009-01-08): We won!!!

Posted by DMIHumanResources on January 8, 2009 at 9:30 PM:

Official congratulations to Ypsilanti who is the winner of the Holiday Theme Party task! They had twice as many votes as the runner-up so it's apparent how many of you loved the originality of their "'Twas The Night Before Christmahanukwanzakah" party.

Thanks to everyone who voted for us!

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 8

The prompt from Week #8: Something New And It's Up To You

My entry:

Michael: Who wants to try my new polygraph? Besides Dwight.

(Silence)

Michael: I tested it last night. It's fun.

(Silence)

Michael: Pam?

Pam: ... Alright.

A minute later, Dwight is connecting everything.

Michael: Oh, those go on your fingers? Whoops.

Pam: Where did you...

Michael: Kidding!

Michael looks at the camera.

--------------------------

The big thing about this prompt was that written entries were limited to 50 words, while non-written entries had no word or time limits. At first I had no intention of doing a written entry, wanting instead to do an audio entry using one of the ideas I had from before the contest began, where [redacted]. But that seemed kind of off for the prompt, and when people started actually submitting 50 words (plus pictures) entries, I didn't want to be the one person with a 5 minute audio entry. Also, it turns out I vastly overestimated my audio creation and editing skills, and I didn't get much past downloading a few audio samples. I think it would have been really cool if I had been able to pull it off, but it was not to be. I was going to post the written version of what this entry would have been, but after thinking about it, I think I'll wait to see if I can use it on DMI somehow. After I decided to go with a written entry, the 50 word maximum was even more restricting than I first suspected. With the bigger word limits I was OK with having a mediocre basic idea and then sprucing things up by adding other things to it so that it wasn't too embarassing. But with just 50 words to work with, the basic idea has to be really good or else it's a lost cause. Whereas with past weeks I wanted to wait till late in the week to submit my entry to make sure I didn't regret not including something good I thought of later in the week, I usually submitted my entry early out of fear someone else would do the same idea. Well this week I didn't enter until Sunday because I didn't know for sure what I was going to do until Sunday morning, as I didn't like many of my ideas. Here are a few of the other entries I came up with:

Maury Povich: Andy, you... ARE NOT the father.

Andy: Dammit.

Maury: Dwight Schrute, you... ARE NOT the father.

Dwight: Frak.

Angela: If it's not them, there's only one other person it could be.

Maury: Please welcome Roy Anderson!

Roy: Hi Angela, Maury.

Maury: Roy, you... ARE the father.

Roy: Alright!

-----

Chili's

Michael: Over the past year, I've changed my spending habits considerately, and I'm no longer in debt. In recognition of this accomplishment, I'm proud to present myself... (removes blanket) this!

Next day

Holly: (Laughing) Michael, this fake expense report is hilarious! $6,400 for... that. Good one!

Michael turns white.

-----

(note: the following one is significantly over the 50-word limit)

"Attention Scranton business park, there will be complimentary pretzels available in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants"

Everyone gets up to go get a pretzel, except for Stanley, who looks disgusted.

Stanley (TH): Last week I got a home soft pretzel maker. In the last 7 days I've eaten 36 soft pretzels. I don't think I'll be having another one for quite some time.

An hour later, the camera catches Stanley waiting in line.

Stanley: I guess one more won't hurt.

-----

There was other one that at first seemed really silly and fun, but in the middle of working on the visual component for it, it started to seem morally questionable / in bad taste so I abandoned it and won't post what I completed here.

Anyway, back to the entry I submitted: Because of the 50-word limit, I fiddled with it more than I did for most of the other entries. The biggest change was the ending, which until a couple hours before I submitted it was:

Pam: Where did you...

Michael looks at the camera.

Pam: Michael!

Not a big change obviously, but I fretted over it nonetheless. While at first I regretted the change after submitting my entry, now I like how he lied with the polygraph right there. Anyway, as I've written here before, I think the polygraph scenes from this last season of Reno 911! were the best scenes the show has ever done, and I think it would be awesome if The Office did an episode that involved a polygraph (probably as the B story). I'm sure the writers could come up with some awesome stuff several million times funnier and more creative than I ever could.

Anyway, I submitted my final votes a little bit ago. Like I said before, there were a good number of photo entries in addition to the written entries, as well as an animated entry (but no audio entries), so that, along with how short the written entries were, definitely made picking 3 favorites more difficult than any of the other weeks. After reading all the entries a bunch of times I had 2 favorites and 3 that were close behind, and then I reread those 3 several more times until I had my 3rd favorite.

This year's contest flew by so fast, it's hard to believe it's already over. Looking back at my own entries, the only one I really wish I could go back and change is probably the one for Karen's last words. I had 12 more words I could have used, and the other day I thought of something cool to use since the setting was an alternate universe: A laugh track! I don't know why I didn't think of that when I was working on the prompt. The only difficult part would have been picking where to put them. But that's not what I would have added. Instead, I would have added a Kevin talking head at the end, with him either adding something to his Pam/Karen list, remarking about what a wonderful day it was, that now he could die happy, or something like that. Looking back at everyone else's entries, all I have to say is wow. I have a long way to go before I can hope to get anything other than the least best award. But, as with the previous Office summer writing contests, it was a hell of a lot of fun and I look forward to next year's contest.

There are still 2 months until Season 5 starts. With no more weekly prompts to work on, and reading everyone else's incredible entries to look forward to, and just the soul-crushing golf this summer at DMI, it's going to seem like forever.

Dwangela Caught Wallpaper

I think this would also look nice framed on the wall.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 7

The prompt from Week #7: I have PEOPLE skills! I am GOOD at DEALING with PEOPLE!

My entry:

Invaded

Michael: Seriously, Bobs, you have got to try this steak.

Bob Porter: No thanks.

Michael: Well then at least have a kabob, Bob.

Bob Slydell: Is that a crack at my name, fattie?

Michael: No, and I'm eating for two, thank you very much.

Porter: Let's get down to it. We have some questions for you.

Michael: Okay, let's get this over with. That's what she said.

Slydell: During an average workday, how many jokes do you tell?

Michael: A dozen probably.

Porter: How many fridgolous conference room meetings?

Michael: One or two.

Slydell: How much time do you spend entertaining your workers?

Michael: A couple hours.

Porter: Thanks for your honesty. I'll be honest too. We think you need to focus on your comedy: Jokes, impersonations, all that. Let the salespeople do the sales, and forget everything else. Your job is comedy.

Michael: ...

Slydell: Is something wrong?

Michael: I think my water just broke.

A gigantic red stapler descends from the ceiling.

Stapler: MICHAEL!

Michael awakens on Jan's couch. He is wet all over. Jan is standing over him holding an empty glass.

Jan: What have I told you about leaving the TV on at night? How are you going to hear me if I need something?

Michael: Sorry.

Jan walks away. Michael watches the TV for a minute.

Michael (Talking to himself): Ugh, Office Space. Who in the world would spend their free time watching people in a fictional office? ... (Snickers) That boss is such an idiot.

-----------------------------

A month ago or so I think I had a weird dream where Michael was in his office interviewing an applicant for a job and he was eating a bunch of food during it. Lasagna is what I remember, but there was other stuff I'm sure. I decided I'd try to incorporate it into an entry if possible, and this seemed like a good opportunity to do so. Last night I unplugged everything because there was a thunderstorm warning, and during that time I wrote out everything I wanted to include in my entry. After I got done, I obviously had no way to count the words to get an idea at where I was in relation to the 250 word limit, and all night I was worried I was at like 750 words or something, and I'd either have to eliminate huge portions of stuff or do something else entirely. I was relieved when I typed it up, and found that it was just over the 250 word limit, and the only thing I had to cut was the part where Michael talked about how good the food was, choked while doing so, and then choked again after he woke up, and he had been chewing on one of Jan's candles during the dream. But that wasn't too big of loss. One thing I debated about was I originally had The Bob's second question refer to "unnecessary conference room meetings," then changed it to frivolous, then finally to fridgolous - even in Michael's dreams he messes up words, even if they aren't his own. If nothing else, another clue that something is definitely not right. Anyway, there's just one more week to go, and I've had so much fun writing my entries and reading everyone else's amazing entries I'm really going to miss it when it's over. Also, I have 3 more ideas that I'd really like to use for entries, but at most I'll only get to use 1 of them, as there's no way they'd still be relevant by the time (fingers crossed) next year's contest rolls around.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 6

The prompt from Week #6: Accepted

My entry:

A^2 + B^2 = C^2

As I'm sure a bright individual such as yourself knows, the above equation is the Pythagorean Theorem. I learned it several years ago in math class. Normally it relates to triangles or something, but to me it stands for something else, namely: Andy + Bernard = Cornell.

I've always had my heart set on Cornell, and in many ways I think it's my destiny. The fourteenth word I ever said was 'one,' which is an important part of Cornell, since without 'one,' Cornell would just be 'Crll.' After my recent campus visit, I have no doubt that Cornell University is the one for me.

I've always taken education seriously, which is apparent from looking at my history. Not so much by looking at my grades or standardized test scores, obviously, but rather through other, less quantifiable ways. Unfortunately I don't have time to go into these here.

When not in the classroom, two of my favorite activities are Frisbee and golf. I passionately believe that if there was some hybrid sport that combined Frisbee and golf, Gobee it might be called, that that would be the perfect sport. Unless you disagree, in which case I could see your point and I would then reconsider my position. No doubt I would eventually be swayed by your logic, and after rethinking things I too think that it wouldn't be the perfect sport, but it would be good to a lesser degree, similar to what you think. Like they say, great minds think alike!

Additionally, I enjoy singing whenever I get a chance. You'll find enclosed a tape of me singing "Cornell Victorious" and the "New Cornell Fight Song." Feel free to make copies for your friends!

As you can tell, I have high hopes for attending Cornell next fall. But if for some inconceivable reason that doesn't happen, I hope you'll save a spot for me in next year's admission class to Columbia University. To be honest, it's not my first choice, but at least it's still a C-word university in New York, right? Ogay Ionslay!

-----------------------

After I first read the prompt, I immediately had several ideas that I thought were decent, but it wasn't long before I figured out that my writing skills were not up to the task of writing for any of those ideas. I read some stuff online about what to do and what not to do in college essays, and hopefully that shows. I know more than a few parts don't sound anything like Andy, but I rationalized that in high school his methods would have been rather crude compared to what they have been in the last 2 seasons on the show.

There were 16 entries for this prompt, and I had a very difficult time deciding on three favorites. After reading all the entries a bunch of times I ended up with 6 that stood apart, and after reading those a bunch more times I had 3 favorites. I changed my pick for a 3rd favorite multiple times before sending in my votes.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 5

The prompt from Week #5: Spinning Your Wheels? Well, Spin This!

My entry:

The Adventures of Beetman

Dwayne Spruce is the esteemed regional manager of Bender-Turanga paper company in Steamtown, USA. He also leads a secret life as the incredible Beetman, one of the rare vegetable inspired superheroes.

Highlights from the show's 7th episode, "Beetman Battles the Prankster VII."

It's a normal, exhilarating day at the office when the mischievous Prankster appears. He has somehow put Spruce's entire desk in gelatin.

Spruce walks out of the kitchen and sees his desk, then tells the receptionist he has to go see the dentist.

Moments later, onlookers see something moving through the parking lot.

Onlooker #1: Over there! It's a turnip...

Onlooker #2: It's a huge red crayon...

Onlooker #3: It's Beetman!

Beetman arrives in the office and removes from his belt a can of his specially formulated beet-derived prank repellent, and sprays the entire desk with it.

The gelatin changes color, flies off the desk, and wraps around the Prankster, encasing him in gelatin from the neck down.

Beetman removes a small chunk of gelatin and tastes it.

Beetman: Prankster, your deed was malicious, but your crimson prison is delicious.

Later, April O'Martin, the Peabody Award winning reporter from Steamtown's Channel 4 News and Spruce's secret girlfriend, arrives at the scene to collect statements from observers.

Later still, Spruce and O'Martin are in the Beetcave reading the statements.

April: Could you put me in gelatin?

Dwayne: Yeah, but why?

April: And eat your way to me?

Dwayne grins.

Fade to black.

-----------------------

After probably a hundred bad ideas (even by my standards), I got the idea for my entry on Tuesday. I was working on it Wednesday night when I saw an entry that had been posted that contained some similar things. I figured I'd have to use another idea, but after trying and failing to come up with something else I liked for a couple days, I was back to Beetman. I don't like writing dialogue, but I do like writing visual descriptions. A couple weeks ago I thought it would be funny to do a post with all visual descriptions except for one short line of dialogue. I didn't think I'd actually do it, but this entry is pretty close with a ton of visual descriptions and very little dialogue. If I had it to differently, I would have done something that was more creative, since I thought to fit the prompt, Dwight's show would probably not be terribly creative.

For the other entries, there were only 14 of them, so that sucked, but they were all awesome, so that made reading them very fun, but made voting difficult. I don't know if I misunderstood the prompt, but I was surprised at how many of the entries were in-Office universe spin-offs for the characters, something I never considered doing, as I instead focusing on the question from the prompt: "Tell us what one (or more) of the characters from The Office would do if given the opportunity to star in their dream television show." Anyway, I ended up having 3 favorites and 3 tied for second.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 4

For the week 3 entries, even though there were a lot of basic similarities considering the rather specific prompt, I think all of the other entries were very good. I ended up having 1 favorite, 2 that were right behind, and 3 that were tied for 4th.

In contrast to the specific week 3 prompt, the week 4 prompt gave us room to explore all kinds of creative space with our entries.

The prompt from Week #4: Besmirched, Befuddled & Besieged

My entry:

Befuddled

A man wearing a white suit and carrying a silver briefcase walks into the office.

Pam: Hi, can I help you?

The man ignores her and continues walking until he gets to the desk facing Meredith's. He sits, opens his briefcase, removes a folder, and begins working on the computer.

Most everyone in the main office area stops working and starts watching this man.

Meredith leans to the side to look at him, looks down, then looks again.

Phyllis: Oh my god... TOM?

Kelly, who's standing at the watercooler, gasps then faints. Stanley looks at her, rolls his eyes, then resumes working.

Phyllis: Tom, is that you?

"Tom" remains silent and continues working.

Kevin grabs his M&M jar and holds it close.

Dwight removes something from his desk drawer, gets up, and walks toward Tom.

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight approaches Tom, holding an unfolded shovel above his head.

Jim moves quickly and grabs the shovel then stands in front of Dwight.

Dwight: Dammit, Jim! I have to destroy his brain.

Jim: No, you don't.

Dwight: Jim, if he bites you, I'll destroy your brain and take great pleasure doing so.

Jim: Fair enough.

After a few minutes of everyone watching in silence, Tom closes his work on the computer, puts the folder in his briefcase, gets up, and walks out of the office.

Michael opens the door to his office, unaware of what happened.

Michael: (Laughs) You guys aren't going to believe... (Looks around) What's going on?

Pam: I... I have no idea.

Minutes later, Michael comes out of the conference room.

Michael: Pam, get Bill Murray on the phone, now!

Creed (TH): Me? Why does everyone automatically suspect I'm involved every time somebody comes back from the dead? (Pause) Ok, don't tell anyone, but it was a guy I know from Toronto who could pass as Tom's twin. He owed me one, so I said we'd call it even if he came here to liven things up a bit. (Pause) Who's useless now, Amelia?

Meredith (TH): (Smoking a cigarette) Well, he's no Sam Wheat.

-------------------

The first idea I had about using Tom was a lot more complicated than the story here. The complete story would take at least 1,000 words, and if at all possible, I'd like to finish the story in one or more of the remaining prompts. I've never seen Ghost so I don't know how memorable that character's name is, but it seemed like since that's one of Meredith's desert island movies she would refer to him by name and not "that guy from Ghost" or "Patrick Swayze's character from Ghost."

I said I was going to try to wait to post my entry this week until Saturday or Sunday, and I made it to Friday. Although I didn't meet my goal, I did better than I did the first 3 weeks. One thing that will help me to hold off posting is that the extra time I spent tweaking my entry before posting it made it a ton better than it was originally was. Even if it still sucks, it's a hundred times less sucky than it originally was.

This week, hardly anyone posted their entry until the last few hours before the deadline. I can't imagine doing that. Besides worrying that someone else would post a similar and no doubt superior entry based on the same idea as me with no time to come up with something else, with my luck my Internet would probably go out and then I'd miss the deadline. I sent in my votes a little bit ago for week 4 and I had 3 favorites, and 5 more that I also liked a whole bunch. It's funny how in the test threads so many people are self-deprecating about their entries, that the entry sucks, or they won't get any votes. The other contest participants are all insanely smart, creative, and funny, and they're still very humble about their talent. As a non-writer who's not nearly as smart, creative, or funny as everyone else, I know that I have no chance of winning a prize in the contest, and I'd be pleased to find out I got a single vote over the course of the entire contest, or at least know that no one sent emails asking that I be blocked from the contest for my lame entries that are wasting people's time. Anyway, the week 5 prompt was posted yesterday, and so far I've had probably a hundred ideas for it, although I don't think any of them have been particularly good.

Today is June 26 and...

1. My AVG Free 7.5 just updated successfully, and I didn't get that annoying pop-up that updates would not be available after June 25.

Edit: D'oh, I spoke too soon. About 5 minutes after the update I got the pop-up, and it still said June 25. I checked the date of the update, and it was released yesterday. I might have to update to 8.0 after all. :(

2. Last night I finished the first draft of my entry for week 4 of NA's Summer Hiatus contest. I'm going to tweak it a little today, and then I'll be ready to post it. But I'm going to try really hard not to. Even though, logically, I know that it's very improbable that anyone is going to post an entry with the same basic idea, I have an irrational feeling that if I don't post it soon that that's exactly what's going to happen.

3. This is awesome.