Northern Attack's 2007 Writing Contest - Week 7

There were only 13 entries, including my own, to the writing challenge from week 6. So that sucked. But there were some pretty interesting ones, and I'll take quality over quantity any day. This time I had 2 favorites and 2 that were close behind. I filled out the email with my 3 votes, and right when I was about to send it I changed my mind and switched the 3rd one I voted for. I think I made the right decision.

The writing challenge for this week was quite different from any of the other challenges, either from this contest or the previous one. This week we had to take a quotation from the office and attribute it to someone historical / famous in the real world, or a fictional character, etc. Whereas in past challenges the main work is to flesh out a decent idea, this week it's all about 2 simple choices: the quote & the attribution. So instead of debating about a little change here or a little change there, the big task for this week was deciding between possible entries. I'd imagine that everyone approached this challenge differently, but my way to handle it was to rewatch every episode of The Office over the past week to try to find some good quotes, and then go through them and find creative / interesting / funny attributions for them. In all I came up with 13 possible entries, maybe half of which I considered actually posting. I was hoping to come up with one that I'd knew was it as soon as I came up with it, but that didn't happen. So I went with my nerve-ending rich gut and posted my favorite last night. Here is the entry I submitted:

Writing Assignment #7: That's What They Said

"Hey, Clapton! Keep an eye on her, all right?"
-George Harrison, referring to Pattie Boyd

I kind of felt bad not using the 235 other words at my disposal, but whatever. Here are the other 14 possible entries I came up with:

"Yeah, here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on, like, report or whatnot... I was under the impression this was more of, like, a meet-and-greet type of deal."
-Hans Blix, February 5, 2003

"People are always coming to me, 'Mark, I have a secret. You're the only one I trust.' No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie. Portrait of a Prostitute, something... Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shyla, is framed for murder, goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't... I don't wanna live like that. I like it here. I don't wanna be Shyla. I like being Mark Felt."
-W. Mark Felt, aka Deep Throat

"I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend."
-Mulai Ismail Ibn Sharif, Age 11, who went on to father over 1,000 children

"When I was little, my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me 'til years later. I was shocked when I found out."
-Eddie Ford, son of Whitey Ford

Ryu: Ooh, yeah. Good move.
(Ryu moves behind Chun-Li and puts his arms around her, Chun-Li laughs)
Ryu: Ooh, yeah. Good move. Ooh, not such an ultimate fighter now, huh?
Chun-Li: (Laughing) Oh, hey, put me down. (Laughing) Put me down!
(E. Honda glances over, Chun-Li notices)
Chun-Li: (Serious) Oh my God. Hey, put me down.
(Ryu puts Chun-Li down)
Chun-Li: (Annoyed) Hey.
(Ryu steps back, bewildered. Chun-Li pulls her shirt down and joins everybody else)
(Ryu is left looking severely confused)
-Overheard on the sideline during a fight between Blanka & Dhalsim in the Street Fighter II: The World Warriors fighting tournament.

"I look really good in white."
-Jenna Fischer, at the Blades of Glory premiere

"Okay, first off, my fans. Because I couldn't have done it without them. Thank you. Let's give [host TBA] a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of the orchestra, too. Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Emmy. And I feel God in this auditorium tonight."
-Jenna Fischer, accepting the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy at the 2007 Primetime Emmy Awards on September 16, 2007

"Can I trust James? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust James? Yes. Should I trust James? You tell me."
-Oprah Winfrey, on James Frey

Sean Hannity sitting in for Fox News HR Guy: All right, Bill. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Andrea that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution. Andrea, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Bill that will make him uncomfortable.
Bill O'Reilly: I accept your decision.

Jeff: I have to fire someone today. Okay?
Ben: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Kevin, he's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Kevin.
Jeff: Okay, well, I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Ben: No, no, no, no, no, I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you.
Ben: I knew you'd see it my way, Jeff. God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Jeff: Don't...
Ben: Listen, you will not regret this either. Kevin's terrible, no one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
...
Jeff: Kevin, could I talk to you for a sec?
Kevin: Ben's an idiot, you know that.
Jeff: Well, he...
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no. You had it right the first time.
Jeff: Well, maybe I did.
Kevin: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut man.
Jeff: Huh, well... no. I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Kevin: That's why I'm being fired?
Jeff: No.
Kevin: So you might not look like an idiot?
Jeff: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and...
Kevin: This is unbelievable!
Jeff: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
-Jeff Zucker trying, but failing, to fire Ben Silverman, and then firing Kevin Reilly

Katie: How do you come back from that?
Bryant: Um, you don't. I don't think, come all the way back, you know?
Katie: No, I mean, doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that, as a human being?
-Katie Couric and Bryant Gumble on Today after it was announced Lisa Marie Presley had married Michael Jackson.

"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
-Mr. Pink

"You know, sure, playing the field is great. Don't get me wrong. But there's more to life than notches on my bedpost."
-Pope Benedict XVI