Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 4

After submitting my week 3 entry I read through the week 2 entries to pick 3 to vote for. One of the other entries, which was posted the day before I posted mine, had the same basic idea as mine. Oops. Even if I had seen it before I posted my entry I probably would have posted mine the same anyway since by then I was already done with mine and scrapping an entry no one was going to vote for and spending a bunch of time on a new entry no one was going to vote for either probably wouldn't have been worth the time. Although it would have been fun thinking of what Michael thinks he would do if he was president.

Prompt for Week 4: Reality Television -- Well Now That's Fairly Embarassing

And my entry:

Everyone is working when Michael walks into the office carrying a newspaper. He opens it, then holds it up to everyone. There's a large picture of Michael as Ping below the headline "Nauseating Comedy Act."

Michael: They love me! I'm a star!

Jim: Um, I don't think that's a compliment.

Michael: Of course it is, Jim. Making an audience laugh so hard they feel like throwing up is what every comedian perspires to.

Dwight sticks his finger in his mouth.

Michael: No, dummy, I didn't tell a joke. Say, Pam... (Michael looks to reception, then turns to Pam and sees she's on a sales call.) Nevermind, I'll do it myself.

Michael goes into his office.
_______________________

Tom,

The documentary I wrote you about before started airing recently. Last night's segment was our annual Dundie Awards from several years ago. Watching my performance made me realize that I'm ready for the big time. So, I hereby request from you the honor of hosting the Academy Awards. Unlike some past hosts I have experience handing out trophies. A few ways I'd spice things up:

• I'd announce a few fake winners during the ceremony. When they* got up to the podium I'd shout, "Gotcha!"


• Instead of winners giving acceptance speeches, losers would have to give speeches explaining how the winner was better than them.


• One of my employees is named Oscar. Instead of the trophy, I'd present him to one of the winners* and say, "Here's your Oscar!"

I have many more ideas, but I'd prefer to tell you them in person. Let me know when you'll be in Scranton and we'll set something up.

Smiles,
Michael Scott

P.S.: No one knows this, but I've written a screenplay. If things go like I expect them to after the Oscars, I'd like you to audition for the role of my sidekick. Based on your performance in Forrest Gump, you'd be perfect. Just know that I am also interested in playing the part, similar to how in Austin Powers Mike Myers also played Mini-Me. Wasn't he amazing?

*Preferably Russell Crowe or Christian Bale

Guano Apes back together!

The other day I was going through my music collection and googling bands to see if any of them had or are going to soon have new albums out. None of them did, although I did find a most welcome (and unexpected) update to GuanoApes.org: The band is reuniting to do a bunch of festivals this summer. There's no specific mention of them doing a new studio album, but I'm going to be super disappointed if they don't.

New "Weird Al" Video - Craigslist

I can't post the video here because "Embedding disabled by request" (WTF), so here's the link to the video on YouTube:

"Weird Al" Yankovic - Craigslist

I didn't care for Straight Outta Lynwood because I didn't like any of the songs he was parodying. But him parodying Jim Morrison like this is awesome. Maybe he could do an album full of songs in the style of other classic rock bands.

John Hodgman at the 2009 Radio & TV Correspondents' Dinner

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 3

After the pathetic 6 entries for week 1's prompt, there were 18 entries for week 2. Now that's more like it!

Prompt for week 3: The Flendersons--A Match Made In Heaven. Except For The Divorce.

And my entry:

No Happy Ending

One day during Toby's first year at Saint Charles Borromeo Seminary outside Philly, he and the other seminarians had to picket Phoebe's Pleasure Palace, a brothel masquerading as a massage parlor. Their protest led to a police raid within an hour. Among the arrested was Cathy Zolinski. It was her first day as the receptionist. She was unaware of the illegal activity, but the police didn't believe her. After being released she relocated to Scranton. Toby grew obsessed with her after seeing her in news reports, and he left seminary to follow her back to Scranton. She thought he was cute, they started dating, and they soon married.

Things were going well for the Flendersons until one day they were visited by documentarians wanting to make a documentary about their lives because of their unique histories. The documentarians presented what their research had found, including that Toby was Phoebe's best customer, which was how they assumed the couple met. The planned title for the documentary was "Can Buy Me Love."

Cathy immediately kicked Toby out of the house and filed for divorce. The next day, trying to regain a modicum of control in his life, Toby jetted to Amsterdam to find a suitable replacement so the documentary could still move forward. Lightning did not strike twice.

The documentarians didn't want to start over from scratch, so they changed the subject of their documentary from the defunct Flendersons to the probably soon to be defunct company Toby works for. Dinkin' flicka.

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I'm not positive, but I think this might be the first time I actually waited till Sunday to post my entry. I just wish I had been able to come up with something better. The only other idea I seriously considered was that Toby's ex-wife Cathy was made up, and Sasha was an orphan he adopted at the seminary. It didn't make a lot of sense and probably wouldn't have been very funny, although I did like the opening line I came up with:

Question: Toby, his ex-wife Cathy, an elf, and a fairy run a 5k. Who wins?
Answer: Toby, because the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 2

For last week's prompt there were only 7 entries. Pathetic! Not that the other 6 entries weren't good, they were great, but in the previous 2 years' contests there were 35 and 29 entries the first week. Some people posted they had other stuff going on and what not, but I'm still really disappointed there weren't more entries since this was an awesome prompt and all the regulars always made such hilarious entries for past prompts, including many which, while good, were not as good as this one. There are already more than twice as many entries for the week 2 prompt, so that's good.

Prompt for week 2: Don't Be Listless...Enter This Week!

And my entry:

10. The new Yankee Stadium (on opening day). A disappointment in more ways than one, but YMMV.
9. World's Largest Shoe in Hallam
8. The Wonder Wheel at Coney Island
7. The Statue of Liberty's crown. Technically it's not going to reopen to the public until July 4, but like that guy said, "[T]he brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough."
6. Royal Victorian Manor in Woodstock, Illinois
5. Lackawanna Coal Mine. Go during the week and slip the tour guide $20 to get the mine all to yourselves.
4. Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas. Everyone said we had to go here when we told them our honeymoon was in Vegas. Quite the experience, although the Star Trek stuff was boring.
3. ZERO-G flight, also in Vegas. The weightlessness only lasts 25 seconds at a time, so plan accordingly.
2. Blackwell Island Lighthouse. This lighthouse is decommissioned, which was convenient since otherwise it would've been blindingly bright, unbearably hot, and it would've created a silhouette of us across the night sky.
1. Some house here in town. We have a realtor friend who sometimes lets us stay in unoccupied houses. We just threw caution to the wind here all weekend long. At one point, I almost went through the living room wall. We bought a clown painting to conceal the damage. Before putting it up, I carved "Easy Rider was here" on the wall underneath. Overall, an amazing and unforgettable experience.

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The only other idea I seriously considered was a top 10 things Michael Scott would do if he was president.

Northern Attack's 2009 Summer Writing Contest - Week 1

The 4th annual Northern Attack Summer Writing Contest started on Monday, when the first of 9 writing prompts was posted:

The first week's prompt.

If it's anything like previous years, the contest should be a lot of fun, even in the likely event that, objectively speaking, my entries are the worst in the contest.

Here's my entry for the first prompt:

The Future Is Just History That Hasn't Happened Yet

Michael and Holly approach each other from opposite ends of the stage.

Holly: Hello, I'm Haley, a time traveler from 2109. Who are you?

Michael reaches for his gun.

Holly shakes her head no.

Michael: I'm Mickey Scott, a... another time traveler from 2109.

Holly: Aren't you the great-grandson of Michael Scott and... Teri Hatcher?

Michael: Yes, and you must be the great-granddaughter of Holly Flax and... A.J. Holly was the best HR rep in Dunder Mifflin history. She... (Michael looks around.) stopped an alien invasion when she discovered the evil alien leader had taken over the body of Toby Flenderson, and terminated him. Hasta la vista, Toby!

Holly: Yes, and Michael was the best regional manager in Dunder Mifflin history. After the Toby... incident, contact was made with some other aliens. These aliens were peaceful, and came from a paperless planet. Michael negotiated with them the biggest business deal in history, which made Dunder Mifflin the exclusive paper product provider for their entire planet.

Michael: Yes, and that allowed Dunder Mifflin to open many branches worldwide, and even reopen the Buffalo branch, which was closed in 2009.

The crowd complains loudly.

Holly: Oh no... you guys didn't know?

David: Michael, Holly, we need to talk.

Michael: Uh, I think maybe it's time we went back to 2109, and...

Holly: ...Had a drink to celebrate the memory of our great-grandparents.

They disappear in a flash of light and smoke.

Michael and Holly walk out of the wooded area carrying chairs.

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In previous year's contests I've usually posted my entries right away when I was done since I was afraid that if I didn't someone else would post an entry with a similar idea first. I finished my entry Tuesday night and just made a few minor changes since then. I figured it was unlikely anyone else would use time travelers and aliens, so I held back submitting it. So obviously, earlier today an awesome entry was posted that was Terminator and future themed. I didn't want to start over, so I went ahead and posted what I had. I'm sure I'll lose points for having an entry similar to the one before it (as I should), but it's pretty unlikely anyone would have voted for my entry anyway, and now I can stop worrying about it and just enjoy all the awesome entries for this week's prompt.