The entries for Week 3 of Northern Attack's 2007 Writing Contest were once again very good, and once again after reading them all a bunch of times I had 2 favorites and 3 that were close behind. After reading all the entries a few more times I was able to pick the 3rd one I'd vote for. Since I cast my votes, though, I've been second guessing myself on whether I chose correctly for my 3rd vote. In any case, I can't change it now.
The challenge for Week 4 was to write a limerick about an Office character or characters. I remember writing haikus in school, but I don't ever remember writing, or even learning what a limerick was. In fact, I had to look limerick up on wikipedia to find out the rules / structure.
I didn't particularly like having to write poetry, and I disliked even more the aftereffects. After I play Tetris or Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo for awhile, when I close my eyes I still see the blocks dropping. Something similar occurred to me over the past few days, as after I worked on my limerick for awhile, I'd try to read a news article and I'd continuously be distracted by detecting rhymes, even though I wasn't consciously looking for them. Or worse, I'd find myself randomly counting syllables throughout the day.
I was going to submit this last night before the Office marathon started, but I figured I'd wait to see if I could come up with an extra verse for each person. I tried a couple ideas out, but decided to just go with what I already had. Here is my entry, which I submitted a little bit ago:
Writing Assignment #4: Uh, Booze Cruise Is Just A Rhyme...
The Accountants
He had a health scare on Mike's birthday
Tests were negative, which means OK
And those anal fissures
Got him some well wishers
Hoping Kevin's all better one day
Better hope all goes without a hitch
'Cuz she'll get irate if there's a glitch
With her stern demeanor
It's really no wonder
Creed said Angela's the office bitch
Caught faking sick with a shopping bag
Detective Dwight missed a bigger snag
But Mike let the word out
What's all the fuss about?
Big deal if Oscar's a... private guy
Friday, June 29, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
OfficeTally's Banner Contest
Summer can be a boring time for television fans since there aren't any new episodes of any of the best shows (e.g., The Office, Family Guy, LOST). So we must fill our time doing other things, one of my favorite of which is contests. The most recent of which was OfficeTally's banner contest, which ended last night. OfficeTally has had a ton of great contests over the past year and a half, and this one was no exception. There were a ton of great entries, including many that looked to be professional level. I'm a novice when it comes to Photoshop (I didn't even know how to use layer masks when the contest began), but I ended up entering 8 different banners, as well as 2 alternate versions. The winner and finalists for the vote have yet to be announced, but I don't like my chances considering all the great entries. If nothing else, though, I learned a lot about Photoshop making the banners. Here are the banners I entered into the contest (click the thumbnails for the full size versions):
And though the contest ended last night, this morning I made what I think is a big improvement to my last banner:
And though the contest ended last night, this morning I made what I think is a big improvement to my last banner:
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
10 Years Later... 10 Times Worse
Tonight on CBS they aired AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies (10th Anniversary Edition).
The original list, AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies, which was released in 1998, was okay. It was an interesting project, but the order in which some great movies appeared on the list was pretty bad (e.g., 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dr. Strangelove, The Godfather Part II, and especially Fargo, were all way too low on the list), many great movies were excluded from the list (e.g., The Lost Weekend, The Night Of The Hunter, Being There, Hannah And Her Sisters, and The Usual Suspects) and some movies that are certainly not in the top 100 American movies nonetheless made the list (e.g., The Searchers, Easy Rider, and Dances With Wolves).
With the new list, AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies (10th Anniversary Edition), few of the problems with the first list were corrected, and many new problems were introduced.
What didn't make the list, rightly so:
Dances With Wolves
What didn't make the list, but should have:
The Lost Weekend, The Night Of The Hunter, Being There, Hannah And Her Sisters, The Usual Suspects, were all still embarrassingly absent.
Some great movies that have been released since the first list, including The Big Lebowski, Being John Malkovich, Mulholland Dr., Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, as well as my current favorite movie, American Beauty, all failed to make the new list.
Some of the deserving movies that made the first list, including Giant, Rebel Without A Cause, and Fargo, which should have been much higher than #84, inexplicably fell off the list altogether.
What did make the list, but shouldn't have:
The Sixth Sense - This terribly overrated movie, which isn't in the top 1000 American movies, made the list at #89.
Titanic - This was seriously overrated when it was released, but I thought all that was long over. I was wrong. It made the list at #83.
The Searchers - One of the worst movies to make the initial list, barely, at #96. Instead of falling off the list like it should have, it shot all the way up to #12.
Raging Bull - While Scorsese has made many great movies, this is not one of them. It was too high on the first list at #24, and somehow this managed to make it all the way to #5 on the new list.
What did make the list, but should have been higher:
North By Northwest - One of Hitchcock's best movies, dropped from #40 on the first list, to #55 on the new one.
Dr. Strangelove - Easily a top 20, or maybe even top 10 movie. The first time around it made the list at #26. This time it dropped 13 spots to #39.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Dropped 13 places from #20 to #33.
The Godfather Part II - One of the most curious things about the first list was how this managed to only rank #32, considering how many top 10 lists it's made, and that it's currently #3 on the IMDb Top 250. Its rank was unchanged.
2001: A Space Odyssey - This managed to go up from #22 to #15, but it should have been in the top 10. Perhaps the reason this and Dr. Strangelove were so low was because while they're both great movies, they don't belong on a list of the best American movies, as they're British (along with a couple other movies on the list).
The original list, AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies, which was released in 1998, was okay. It was an interesting project, but the order in which some great movies appeared on the list was pretty bad (e.g., 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dr. Strangelove, The Godfather Part II, and especially Fargo, were all way too low on the list), many great movies were excluded from the list (e.g., The Lost Weekend, The Night Of The Hunter, Being There, Hannah And Her Sisters, and The Usual Suspects) and some movies that are certainly not in the top 100 American movies nonetheless made the list (e.g., The Searchers, Easy Rider, and Dances With Wolves).
With the new list, AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movies (10th Anniversary Edition), few of the problems with the first list were corrected, and many new problems were introduced.
What didn't make the list, rightly so:
Dances With Wolves
What didn't make the list, but should have:
The Lost Weekend, The Night Of The Hunter, Being There, Hannah And Her Sisters, The Usual Suspects, were all still embarrassingly absent.
Some great movies that have been released since the first list, including The Big Lebowski, Being John Malkovich, Mulholland Dr., Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, as well as my current favorite movie, American Beauty, all failed to make the new list.
Some of the deserving movies that made the first list, including Giant, Rebel Without A Cause, and Fargo, which should have been much higher than #84, inexplicably fell off the list altogether.
What did make the list, but shouldn't have:
The Sixth Sense - This terribly overrated movie, which isn't in the top 1000 American movies, made the list at #89.
Titanic - This was seriously overrated when it was released, but I thought all that was long over. I was wrong. It made the list at #83.
The Searchers - One of the worst movies to make the initial list, barely, at #96. Instead of falling off the list like it should have, it shot all the way up to #12.
Raging Bull - While Scorsese has made many great movies, this is not one of them. It was too high on the first list at #24, and somehow this managed to make it all the way to #5 on the new list.
What did make the list, but should have been higher:
North By Northwest - One of Hitchcock's best movies, dropped from #40 on the first list, to #55 on the new one.
Dr. Strangelove - Easily a top 20, or maybe even top 10 movie. The first time around it made the list at #26. This time it dropped 13 spots to #39.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Dropped 13 places from #20 to #33.
The Godfather Part II - One of the most curious things about the first list was how this managed to only rank #32, considering how many top 10 lists it's made, and that it's currently #3 on the IMDb Top 250. Its rank was unchanged.
2001: A Space Odyssey - This managed to go up from #22 to #15, but it should have been in the top 10. Perhaps the reason this and Dr. Strangelove were so low was because while they're both great movies, they don't belong on a list of the best American movies, as they're British (along with a couple other movies on the list).
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Northern Attack's 2007 Office Writing Contest - Week 3
It was really difficult deciding on my 3 favorite entries from Challenge #2. So many creative and hilarious entries. But I was eventually was able to whittle it down to 3. I am really disappointed that 9 people that did the first challenge didn't do the second one, including one of the people that I voted for on Challenge #1.
I posted my entry for Challenge #3 a little bit ago. Writing dialogue is definitely not one of my strengths so I did something different for this one.
Writing Assignment #3: It's a (Less) Wonderful Office
www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts
February 1, 2008
Haven't seen the redhead at work lately. I asked the midget lady about it. She said we had a big going away party for her and that I was there. Something about her marrying that Knight Rider guy and moving to California. She never gave me back my signed copy of Charlotte Light and Dark.
February 15, 2008
The air here at Dinder Mufflin seems different somehow recently. Also, I've had to drink an extra bottle of wine to get my same buzz on.
February 29, 2008
I started off my 3-day weekend at Poor Richard's. They now have a presidential style portrait of Mary Beth. The owner said they paid $1,000, the same as Mary Beth's monthly tab, to have it commissioned.
March 3, 2008
Evidently leap day isn't a holiday. Please write your Congressperson to have this changed before the next one in 2016.
March 14, 2008
Poor Richard's hasn't been as busy as usual. Haven't been selling many fake IDs lately. If things don't pick up I won't be able to attend this year's Katamari Damacy world championships in Yokohama.
March 28, 2008
Heard back from Professor Hawking regarding my paper explaining dark matter and dark energy. He said some of it was over his head and that he'll have to confer with some colleagues about it.
April 11, 2008
Went to Poor Richard's for a few drinks over lunch, but there was a sign that they were out of business.
='-(
I posted my entry for Challenge #3 a little bit ago. Writing dialogue is definitely not one of my strengths so I did something different for this one.
Writing Assignment #3: It's a (Less) Wonderful Office
www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts
February 1, 2008
Haven't seen the redhead at work lately. I asked the midget lady about it. She said we had a big going away party for her and that I was there. Something about her marrying that Knight Rider guy and moving to California. She never gave me back my signed copy of Charlotte Light and Dark.
February 15, 2008
The air here at Dinder Mufflin seems different somehow recently. Also, I've had to drink an extra bottle of wine to get my same buzz on.
February 29, 2008
I started off my 3-day weekend at Poor Richard's. They now have a presidential style portrait of Mary Beth. The owner said they paid $1,000, the same as Mary Beth's monthly tab, to have it commissioned.
March 3, 2008
Evidently leap day isn't a holiday. Please write your Congressperson to have this changed before the next one in 2016.
March 14, 2008
Poor Richard's hasn't been as busy as usual. Haven't been selling many fake IDs lately. If things don't pick up I won't be able to attend this year's Katamari Damacy world championships in Yokohama.
March 28, 2008
Heard back from Professor Hawking regarding my paper explaining dark matter and dark energy. He said some of it was over his head and that he'll have to confer with some colleagues about it.
April 11, 2008
Went to Poor Richard's for a few drinks over lunch, but there was a sign that they were out of business.
='-(
Friday, June 15, 2007
It takes brains to be this stupid.
In the June 2007 issue of Scientific American there's an interesting aggravating article about the "Traveler's Dilemma," which is this:
The obvious answer is $100, which if chosen by both people will net them each a crisp new Benjamin. But, if 1 of the persons choose $99 instead, and the other chooses $100, then the first person will instead get $101, and the other will get $97. And if the other person realizes this and then decides to choose $98, and the other person stays with $99, then the first person will get $100, and the other will get $96, and so on. In the article, which can be found here: The Traveler's Dilemma by Kaushik Basu, this is taken to its logical (illogical?) conclusion, all the way down to $2. To outthink oneself so horribly to come up with an answer that will net you at most $4 ($96 less than if you both chose $100), and then to justify it as the "logical" answer is ludicrous. It takes brains to be this stupid.
In the article Basu details how that when people choose a number other than $2 it goes against game theory. How in the world does trying to maximize the amount of money one gets, and assuming the other person will do the exact same, go against game theory? Choosing anything other than $100 will get you at most $101 (if you choose $99 and the other person chooses $100, which is a full $1 more, w00t!!!), and could get both of you much, much less. If anyone was dumb enough to follow the regress all the way down to $2, then hopefully they'd realize, "Hey, if I put $2 down, the other person is going to punch me in the face!" So they'd have to go up to $3, and realize, "Yep, I'd get punched for $3, too," and so on, all the way back up to $100. Unfortunately, the article doesn't cover this "Avoid Being Punched In The Face" (ABPITF) aspect of the Traveler's Dilemma. Hopefully someone will point this out in a nasty letter to the editor.
I could maybe see choosing $99, to try and get the extra dollar, or maybe even $98, which would at most get $100 as long as the opponent chose $99 or $100 (although I'd probably feel so bad about it afterwards I'd give them a few dollars so we'd both walk away with the same amount). But one would have to be a fool to go to $97, since at most choosing that would get you $99, which is less than if both people just chose $100. In a multiple trial scenario I think I'd go with $100 every time, and if my opponent wants to choose $99 to instead make $101, leaving me with $97, fine. I'd much rather get $97 each trial than get into some mutually detrimental bidding war where the only person that wins is the sucker who's paying out all the money. And if someone thought it through enough to choose the idiotic $2, then of course the game would have to pause for a few moments while they learned that if for no other reason, a person doesn't put down $2 or any other small amount to avoid being punched in the face.
Lucy and Pete, returning from a remote Pacific island, find that the airline has damaged the identical antiques that each had purchased. An airline manager says that he is happy to compensate them but is handicapped by being clueless about the value of these strange objects. Simply asking the travelers for the price is hopeless, he figures, for they will inflate it.
Instead he devises a more complicated scheme. He asks each of them to write down the price of the antique as any dollar integer between 2 and 100 without conferring together. If both write the same number, he will take that to be the true price, and he will pay each of them that amount. But if they write different numbers, he will assume that the lower one is the actual price and that the person writing the higher number is cheating. In that case, he will pay both of them the lower number along with a bonus and a penalty--the person who wrote the lower number will get $2 more as a reward for honesty and the one who wrote the higher number will get $2 less as a punishment. For instance, if Lucy writes 46 and Pete writes 100, Lucy will get $48 and Pete will get $44.
What numbers will Lucy and Pete write? What number would you write?
The obvious answer is $100, which if chosen by both people will net them each a crisp new Benjamin. But, if 1 of the persons choose $99 instead, and the other chooses $100, then the first person will instead get $101, and the other will get $97. And if the other person realizes this and then decides to choose $98, and the other person stays with $99, then the first person will get $100, and the other will get $96, and so on. In the article, which can be found here: The Traveler's Dilemma by Kaushik Basu, this is taken to its logical (illogical?) conclusion, all the way down to $2. To outthink oneself so horribly to come up with an answer that will net you at most $4 ($96 less than if you both chose $100), and then to justify it as the "logical" answer is ludicrous. It takes brains to be this stupid.
In the article Basu details how that when people choose a number other than $2 it goes against game theory. How in the world does trying to maximize the amount of money one gets, and assuming the other person will do the exact same, go against game theory? Choosing anything other than $100 will get you at most $101 (if you choose $99 and the other person chooses $100, which is a full $1 more, w00t!!!), and could get both of you much, much less. If anyone was dumb enough to follow the regress all the way down to $2, then hopefully they'd realize, "Hey, if I put $2 down, the other person is going to punch me in the face!" So they'd have to go up to $3, and realize, "Yep, I'd get punched for $3, too," and so on, all the way back up to $100. Unfortunately, the article doesn't cover this "Avoid Being Punched In The Face" (ABPITF) aspect of the Traveler's Dilemma. Hopefully someone will point this out in a nasty letter to the editor.
I could maybe see choosing $99, to try and get the extra dollar, or maybe even $98, which would at most get $100 as long as the opponent chose $99 or $100 (although I'd probably feel so bad about it afterwards I'd give them a few dollars so we'd both walk away with the same amount). But one would have to be a fool to go to $97, since at most choosing that would get you $99, which is less than if both people just chose $100. In a multiple trial scenario I think I'd go with $100 every time, and if my opponent wants to choose $99 to instead make $101, leaving me with $97, fine. I'd much rather get $97 each trial than get into some mutually detrimental bidding war where the only person that wins is the sucker who's paying out all the money. And if someone thought it through enough to choose the idiotic $2, then of course the game would have to pause for a few moments while they learned that if for no other reason, a person doesn't put down $2 or any other small amount to avoid being punched in the face.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Northern Attack's 2007 Office Writing Contest - Week 2
Northern Attack's 2007 Office writing contest is in full swing. Submissions for the first challenge are closed and submissions for the second challenge are open, as is voting for the first challenge. I waited until the submissions for the first challenge were closed to read all the other entries. That way my judgment wouldn't be affected if I was in a good mood while reading some entries, or in a bad mood while I read others. My mood is pretty stable, but I wanted to be sure. After the first read through I was really impressed by the quality of the entries. I had high expectations going in, but wow. After my initial read through I had 1 favorite. After 3 more read throughs I had 2 favorites and 3 more that were close behind. My initial favorite was now in the 3 close behind group. I read through all the entries 3-4 more times before I was able to pick the one for the last slot. And it wasn't my initial favorite. Once the contest is over I'll make a post with who I voted for each challenge. Until then...
A little bit ago I posted my entry for the second challenge. I haven't yet found any changes I'd make, although shortly after I posted it I found out that Open Office Writer was reporting the word count wrong for some reason. I spent something like 30 minutes fiddling with wording trying to get under 250 words. After I submitted my entry I copy and pasted my entry into a new document and did a word count and it came up 226! I don't know how that happened. I checked my first entry and it was 250. Anyway, I'll have to be sure to doublecheck that before posting next time. Had I known I had 24 more words to work with I could have included Ryan's and/or Dwight's reaction at the end.
Writing Assignment #2: So Much for Sunday School
Kelly steps out of the bathroom into the kitchen area and sees Ryan walking into Michael's office.
Kelly (Talking Head): It's been tough since Ryan broke up with me. I've been trying to show him what a huge mistake he made, but he won't return my calls or emails. I'm going to have to find another way to get his attention.
Kelly unbuttons the top button of her blouse, goes through the door to the main office area, and walks toward Dwight, who's sitting at his desk.
Kelly: Hey, Dwight. How's it going?
Dwight: Okay. What do you want?
Kelly: Nothing. Except oh my god, did you see Andy Stamberg on SNL the other night? He is so funny! Rap song, rap song...
Angela looks over at Kelly talking to Dwight. Concern crosses her face.
Dwight: I'd like to see Andy Stamberg spend a week at my farm picking beets during the harvest.
Kelly: Oh.
Kelly looks to Michael's office and sees Ryan getting up, then turns back to Dwight.
Kelly: (Under her breath) Here I go again.
Kelly grabs Dwight's head and kisses him on the lips. Dwight's eyes bulge as Kelly's kiss caught him by surprise.
Angela stands up.
Angela: (Shouts) Get away from my man you hussy!
The office goes silent. Angela gasps, then looks around. Everyone is staring at her.
Angela: Frak.
A little bit ago I posted my entry for the second challenge. I haven't yet found any changes I'd make, although shortly after I posted it I found out that Open Office Writer was reporting the word count wrong for some reason. I spent something like 30 minutes fiddling with wording trying to get under 250 words. After I submitted my entry I copy and pasted my entry into a new document and did a word count and it came up 226! I don't know how that happened. I checked my first entry and it was 250. Anyway, I'll have to be sure to doublecheck that before posting next time. Had I known I had 24 more words to work with I could have included Ryan's and/or Dwight's reaction at the end.
Writing Assignment #2: So Much for Sunday School
Kelly steps out of the bathroom into the kitchen area and sees Ryan walking into Michael's office.
Kelly (Talking Head): It's been tough since Ryan broke up with me. I've been trying to show him what a huge mistake he made, but he won't return my calls or emails. I'm going to have to find another way to get his attention.
Kelly unbuttons the top button of her blouse, goes through the door to the main office area, and walks toward Dwight, who's sitting at his desk.
Kelly: Hey, Dwight. How's it going?
Dwight: Okay. What do you want?
Kelly: Nothing. Except oh my god, did you see Andy Stamberg on SNL the other night? He is so funny! Rap song, rap song...
Angela looks over at Kelly talking to Dwight. Concern crosses her face.
Dwight: I'd like to see Andy Stamberg spend a week at my farm picking beets during the harvest.
Kelly: Oh.
Kelly looks to Michael's office and sees Ryan getting up, then turns back to Dwight.
Kelly: (Under her breath) Here I go again.
Kelly grabs Dwight's head and kisses him on the lips. Dwight's eyes bulge as Kelly's kiss caught him by surprise.
Angela stands up.
Angela: (Shouts) Get away from my man you hussy!
The office goes silent. Angela gasps, then looks around. Everyone is staring at her.
Angela: Frak.
ONN / Hodgmania
While it's been around for almost 115 years, it seems like the Onion News Network (ONN) has only started to get the accolades it's deserved for such a long time over the last few months. Their newest report, on Alzheimer's, represents journalism at its finest. Here is the video clip:
Study: Alzheimer's Patients Say They Do Not Have Alzheimer's
Similarly, John Hogdman's "Resident Expert" segments on The Daily Show have been one of the most consistently hilarious things on the show since they began over a year ago. In the newest installment, which aired on Monday, June 11, Hodgman covers Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). Here's the video clip.
More video clips of Hodgman on The Daily Show can be found here.
Study: Alzheimer's Patients Say They Do Not Have Alzheimer's
Similarly, John Hogdman's "Resident Expert" segments on The Daily Show have been one of the most consistently hilarious things on the show since they began over a year ago. In the newest installment, which aired on Monday, June 11, Hodgman covers Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). Here's the video clip.
More video clips of Hodgman on The Daily Show can be found here.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
The Best Thing Ever
The scene from Women's Appreciation of Kelly jumping up and down in Victoria's Secret cracks me up. Here is an animated gif I made of it, in a couple different sizes.
Small (300x166 - 328kb):
Big (500x276 - 986kb):
Small (300x166 - 328kb):
Big (500x276 - 986kb):
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Northern Attack's 2007 Office Writing Contest
Last summer Northern Attack and OfficeTally had a writing contest with nothing less than a video iPod going to the grand prize winner, and 5 runner-ups getting The Office Season 2 DVD boxsets. I participated in the contest, but I was no match for the other contestants. More information about that contest can be found here: The iPod Giveaway!.
Now, for the second year in a row, Northern Attack is once again having a summer Office writing contest. Full details about the contest can be found here: Hiatus Entertainus: We’ve got that covered: A Summer Contest.
If it's anything like last year's contest, it'll be fun coming up with ideas for an entry, it'll be agonizing realizing all the things that could have been better, it'll be fun reading all the great entries, it'll be agonizing realizing how much better they are than mine, it'll be fun looking forward to next year's contest, and of course all the fun & agony that entails.
I submitted my entry for the first week's assignment earlier today, and I already have several small changes I really wish I could make. Unfortunately, editing entries once they're submitted is strictly prohibited, so I can't do that. But, there's nothing stopping me from posting what I wish my entry was here. So here it is in all its edited glory.
Writing Assignment #1: Northern Attackers Make a Scene
Conference room
Michael: Last night after work one of you walked in on me when I thought I was alone and saw something she shouldn't have.
Pam (Talking Head): I had to come back to the office after work last night because I forgot my sketchbook. When I came in I heard "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" blaring. Then I turned the corner and saw Michael dancing in his underwear.
Michael (Talking Head): A few weeks ago I got an email from a company offering me the chance to buy a prototype invisibility cloak at a special introductory price. I received it yesterday and tried it out after work. But I must have been using it wrong because Pam came in and she saw me.
Conference room after Michael's explained things to everyone.
Michael: It's only fair that I should get to see Pam in her underwear. And she has to do a little dance.
Kevin nods in agreement
Pam: No. That's ridiculous.
Jim: There's no such thing as an invisibility cloak, Michael. Didn't you realize that when you could still see yourself?
Michael: The instructions said I would be able to see myself since my eyes were under the cloak.
Dwight: Michael, if it makes you feel better you can watch me dance in my underwear.
Michael: Ugh.
Michael shakes his head
Michael: We need an "arbotrator."
Pam looks at Jim for help.
Jim raises his hands near his head and does a little dance move.
Pam smiles.
==========
In order to better prepare for this year's contest, here are my 8 entries from last year's Northern Attack & Office Tally summer writing contest. Following each of my original entries are some notes on what I think of them now, and what I would have done differently if I could do them over again.
Writing Assignment #1: Create a new office character. Name, occupation, and personality.
Sarah Rogers - Advertising Specialist. Sarah is 28 years old and single. She grew up in Minnesota and went to college at Lehigh University in Pennsylvania. Since graduating college she has worked at several different jobs around the Northeast. Sarah is hired at the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin to help them reach a more diverse customer base. She has a somewhat quiet presence in the office as she is focused on her work, but outside of the office she is quite energetic and extroverted, especially around friends. She quickly becomes friends with several people in the office including Pam, Jim, and perhaps surprisingly, Creed.
Jim is disappointed that Pam decided to stay with Roy after he finally told her how he felt, although the postponement of their June wedding date has left things unresolved. Eventually he decides he needs to try and move on and asks Sarah out on a date, which she accepts. Between Jim’s enduring feelings for Pam and Sarah’s tendency to move often the relationship is kept from getting too serious, although they both enjoy each other’s company. Pam is glad to see her friend happy but wonders if she made the right decision.
=====
After the contest was announced and before it started, I thought it was going to be some kind of discussion thing, where there were opinion questions or something about the show and everyone chimed in about something or other. When I saw the first assignment, my expectations for the contest were wildly changed. My main goal was just to write something - anything - so I'd be in the contest and try to do better the following weeks. I think this entry is pretty bland, even though a similar scenario did end up playing out in Season 3 (though without Karen and Creed being close friends, sadly). If I had it to do over again I'd definitely be more adventurous in making my character. And instead of "Sarah Rogers," I'd make it "Megan Albini," daughter of James P. Albini.
==========
Writing Assignment #2: Pick a character and develop a scenario for how they might have turned out in an alternate universe.
Kevin Malone, LFL Placekicker, 22nd Century
Kevin Malone is the starting placekicker for the Colbert Shredders in the Lunar Football League (LFL). Malone played for the Chappelle Ligers during his first two seasons in the LFL before being traded to the Shredders, where he has played for the past five seasons. He wears jersey number 69, which he has worn for the duration of his career. Malone holds several LFL records, including the record for longest field goal (219 yards).
Prior to his career in the LFL, Malone was a member of the United North American States Navy SEALs. In order to join the SEALs, Malone received several genetic enhancement procedures. This has led some to dispute the legitimacy of the LFL records he holds.
Malone is married to actress Aishwarya Leibowitz, whom he met while vacationing at Hedonism XIII on Mars. Malone had a cameo appearance in a recent holofilm starring Leibowitz, Summer At Greenland Beach, which was a remake of the early 21st century film American Pie 2.
During the off-season Malone is lead vocalist and drummer for LXIX, a Wyld Stallyns tribute band.
=====
This is my favorite entry that I made for the contest, and there are a ton of things I'd change with it. First, I'd change how it's structured. It's written like a Wikipedia entry or something. I think I'd change it so it was an obituary. Second, I'd have Kevin Malone be traded to the Colbert Shredders from the Chappelle Ligers in exchange for Oscar Martinez, to make clear that my entry was an alternate take on the paper football game (i.e., hateball) that Kevin & Oscar played in Office Olympics. Finally, I'd try to figure out a better way to end it, since I didn't even have an ending, and I'd be sure to use the remaining 11 words I had at my disposal. OfficeAddict's entry for this assignment, which featured a Prohibition era Meredith, was my favorite entry of the whole contest.
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Writing Assignment #3: If you could follow one Dunder-Mifflin employee around on the weekend, who would it be and what do you think you’d witness?
Friday night after work Michael Scott goes to Scranton High for his weekly improv group meeting. When he arrives he finds the group just getting finished. Apparently they changed their meeting time and no one told him. Michael then goes to see a movie, but all that's playing is Over the Hedge, which he already saw. He decides to call it a night and when he gets home he finds the new issue of MAD Magazine in the mail. He reads that until he dozes off to sleep.
On Saturday Michael calls Carole to ask if she and her two kids want to go with him to Claws 'N' Paws that afternoon. They go and everything is going great until Michael gets too close to one of the porcupines and gets a bunch of quills shot into his foot, forcing them to end the trip early.
On Sunday Michael drives to Dickson City to take his mom to church. Afterwards he takes her out to eat at Chuck E. Cheese's. Michael then heads back to Scranton and spends the rest of the day playing poker online so that he'll be prepared for the next time he faces Toby.
=====
This is another one of my favorite entries from the contest. It's also probably the one I'd make the fewest changes to. In Office Olympics Michael said he subscribed to Cracked, not MAD Magazine. I just got the two mixed-up, and I'd probably change it to Cracked, although I kind of like it how it is, so he reads both magazines. I did a ton of research online for this entry, looking for interesting things from Scranton that I could add to my entry to make it flavorful. I finally decided on Claws 'N' Paws, which is a zoo about a half hour outside of Scranton. I wish, though, that I could have come up with something better to happen there than a trite reimagining of The Injury. And even reading it now, I still think the idea of Michael taking his mom out to eat at Chuck E. Cheese after church is really funny.
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Writing Assignment #4: What new pranks would you like to see Jim pull on Dwight in Season 3?
For Halloween Jim comes to work dressed up as Dwight, complete with the brown suit, dark yellow shirt, gold tie, glasses, and a similar hairdo. When Dwight sees Jim he turns red with anger, which is appropriate, since he is dressed up as a giant beet. Pam finds Jim’s costume too disturbing, though, so she asks him to change. He agrees to change back to plain white Jim over the lunch hour. Before he can go home to change, though, Jim notices that, peculiarly, Angela is continually glancing at him and finding excuses to come talk to him.
When Jim gets back from lunch he sees that Dwight is still gone so he hides a walkie-talkie in Dwight’s desk. Then after Dwight returns, Jim and Pam go to the kitchen area and make strange noises and whisper things into the other walkie-talkie. Before long Dwight becomes convinced that his desk is haunted.
Eventually Dwight finds the walkie-talkie and is outraged. Dwight tries to call corporate to report Jim’s malfeasance, using speed dial. Unfortunately for him, earlier in the day Jim reprogrammed all of Dwight’s speed dial numbers to instead dial a Scranton mental health clinic.
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The somewhat cool thing about this entry is that in the Season 3 episode Product Recall JIM ACTUALLY DID COME TO WORK DRESSED AS DWIGHT!!! To me, that made up for not winning any prizes. Well, almost. I mean, it was an iPod. Anyway, I think my first two pranks are fine, although I'd change some details, but my third one is blah, and I'd scrap it and try to think of something more interesting.
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Writing Assignment #5: Pick a character from the show and write their profile as if it will be used in an online personality test.
You are Dwight Schrute
You are a natural born sidekick. You work hard and perform your job to the best of your abilities. In addition, you often seek out extra work and responsibilities. You consider protecting your boss to be one of your primary duties. You view work as a kind of war, and look down on those who use time at work to socialize or make friends, which you haven't done. You follow nature's law of survival of the fittest and refuse to coddle the weak.
Positive qualities that you pride yourself on include discipline, intensity, strength, punctuality, enthusiasm, and above all else, loyalty. If a situation arises and you must choose between following the rules or being loyal, you will choose loyalty. You try to remain calm and logical whenever possible, although this can be difficult when dealing with what you perceive as incompetence or something threatens your relationship with your boss.
You consider yourself an expert on human behavior, but in actuality you still have a lot to learn. Others are able to take advantage of you because of your gullibility. Your reverence for authority often leads you to take foolish actions.
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The only good thing I can say about this entry is that I like my first sentence. Other than that, I think this entry is total garbage. Giving it an F-- is too generous. Since I like most of my other entries, I like to tell myself that this abomination was the reason I didn't win any of the prizes. Even though others had much better entries for all other writing assignments, singling out the obvious horridness of this one keeps me from appreciating how far down the list I must have been even with my best entries.
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Writing Assignment #6: Besides mung bean sprouts, what else do you think Creed keeps in his desk drawer and why?
Creed’s middle desk drawer contains reading material for times when work is slow because no one needs to be assured of the quality of Dunder Mifflin paper. This includes a copy of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu in Simplified Chinese that he checked out from a Hong Kong public library in 1983 and never returned, a Grand Theft Auto strategy guide, several issues of Warren Ellis’s Planetary comic book, the Summer 1974 issue of High Times, and the weekly menu for St. Francis of Assisi Kitchen.
Creed’s bottom desk drawer contains a disheveled melange of various items. Near the top are some Dundie Awards from past years, including the “Hope You Had Fun Wherever You Were” award, which he won after the time that he didn’t show up to work for two weeks without any prior warning. Then when he returned he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Other items include a sequined cornflower blue purse, a winning lottery ticket that would have been worth several hundred thousand dollars if only he had remembered to redeem it before it expired in 1998, schematics for a working space elevator, and a bag of oregano.
=====
I think this entry is decent, as I really like most of the things I came up with. I included the issue of Planetary because Creed Bratton shares a slight resemblance to the main character of Planetary, Elijah Snow:
A short time after I posted this entry I thought of some more things I wish I had included. They were:
-Charlotte Light and Dark by Gareth Feinberg Ph.D.
-Bronze medal from the 1957 hopscotch world championships - he might have won silver or gold if his right foot had 5 toes
-Hat FM baseball cap with built in radio
-Key to safety deposit box, which is empty except for a key to a storage locker, which contains over 3,000 stolen Post-It Note Pads
I'm not sure if I'd use all 4 of these things, but I'd definitely take out the Grand Theft Auto strategy guide (a reference to Creed playing at the arcade in Michael's Birthday), as well as "the weekly menu for St. Francis of Assisi Kitchen" (Scranton's soup kitchen), as I don't really like either of those.
For this entry, more than any other that I'm aware of, it would have been really helpful to know in advance what the two judges, tanster and James, were looking for when judging entries. I thought it would be best to think of mostly plausible things (with the obvious exception of the schematics for a working space elevator). In contrast, the grand prize winner's entry for this assignment was a list of mostly ridiculous things and very unrealistic things (including "8453 Florida ballots from the 2004 Presidential Election" - I'm not sure if having the ballots be from 2004 was a mistake on the writer's part or intentional, and having the ballots be from 4 years after the election when Florida's ballots were so important was the point, that being something Creed would do. Still, ridiculous or not, the grand prize winner's entry was without a doubt extremely creative, so maybe that's what mattered most. To this day I don't know for sure, though, since as far as I know the judges never explained what they judged the entries by, and all we have to go by is by reading and rereading the winning entries.
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Writing Assignment #7: What should Roy do if he ever finds out about The Kiss?
Roy decides to do something unforgettable for Pam to show her that he's serious about saving their relationship. Roy knows that Pam is a big fan of Taylor Hicks, and that in a couple of weeks Hicks is going to be performing at the Wachovia Arena in Wilkes-Barre. Although the show is long sold-out, Roy has a connection, and not only is he able to get tickets for seats near the stage, but also he's able to obtain Hicks's phone number. He calls Hicks to explain his situation and say that it would mean a lot to him if Hicks was able to do something special for Pam at the concert. They go to the concert and as the night progresses, while Pam is clearly enjoying the show, Roy is growing increasingly worried that Hicks forgot about his request. Hicks gets to the end of the set and announces that the next song will be the last one, and that it's dedicated to Pam Beesly, from her fiancé Roy. He then gives a spellbinding performance of "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Pam is overwhelmed, and at least for one night, she forgets about Jim Halpert.
=====
True story: After I had this idea, I was so worried that someone else would come up with it and submit before I did that I dropped what I was doing and raced to write it up and submit it. Anyway, this entry was definitely my most "out there" one of the contest, and I don't know if it hurt me or helped me. I had several other ideas before this one, including one about Roy going to Poor Richard's to meet Captain Jack to talk about things. Here's the unpolished 457 word rough draft:
Not knowing who else to turn to, Roy calls up Captain Jack and asks him to meet him at Poor Richard's to discuss a personal problem. They meet and over several rounds of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer Roy explains the situation and asks Jack for advice. Jack knows about the documentary that's being filmed, so he says that actions that might normally be reasonable, such as confronting Pam, confronting Jim, or trying to treat Pam better, might not be the best course of action in this case. Instead, he recommends "forming a crisis" in order to win over both Pam and the audience of the documentary with sympathy, so that she will have no choice but to stay with him. Over several more rounds of beer, they decide that Roy will fake an accident on his WaveRunner that will leave him incapacitated enough that will require lots of help, but not so severe that he can't do his job. Jack recommends that Roy meet with a personal injury lawyer to get all the details of the fake injury correct so that it will be convincing as possible. Roy mentions that he drives past a billboard for James P. Albini everyday to work, and Jack says he would be perfect. Satisfied with his plan, Roy orders Jägermeister shots for everyone in the bar. As he's driving home Roy, who is completely inebriated by now, loses control of his truck and crashes into a building, killing him instantly.
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That's too dark for my liking, so that probably partly explains why I was in such a hurry when I came up with the idea I ended up using. But as soon as I submitted my entry I immediately started having second thoughts on whether I should have used the idea I did. I don't think there's any point to picking little things I might have changed, as the only real decision for this entry was to either use this idea or come up with something entirely different. If I had it to do over again I'd probably go for something entirely different, although I don't know what.
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Writing Assignment #8: What song would you most like to hear from Scrantonicity, where, and why?
Michael decides to hold a soirée for representatives of 50 area businesses that used to have their paper supplied by Dunder Mifflin. He hopes that he and the sales staff will be able to convince some of them to once again give their business to Dunder Mifflin. Since there will be too many people to hold the event at Chili’s, it’s instead held in the Station Ballroom at the Radisson. The night includes dinner, business presentations, and entertainment provided by Dunder Mifflin employees.
Lonny from the warehouse does a stand-up comedy routine and he gets a lot of laughs. Creed takes the stage and announces that he’ll be doing some magic. He then requests a $20 bill from the audience which he says he’ll make disappear. Someone gives him one and he makes good on his word by walking off the stage and leaving. It’s silent for a little bit but then everyone starts laughing. The highlight of the entertainment though is Scrantonicity. They perform several songs, the most memorable of which is “Working for the Weekend” by Loverboy. It is quite entertaining to see the usually lethargic Kevin perform such an energetic song.
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For the final writing assignment, I put the most effort into coming up with a scenario where Scrantonicity might play, and comparatively little effort into thinking of the song they'd play, and even less effort coming up with what else happened at the event. If I had it to do over again, I'd definitely spend more time working on the latter 2 things.
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So there are my 8 entries with analysis from last year's Office Tally & Northern Attack writing contest. Realistically, though, the entries of the other contestants, not only those of the 6 who won prizes, but also everyone who entered, were really good, and even if my 8 entries were ones that I was happy with now, I think I'd be lucky to land somewhere in the middle of the pack. Based on the early entries for this year's contest, and considering the vastly different judging system, I'll be lucky if I get 1 vote over the course of the entire contest. Still, like I said at the outset, even without the hope of winning a prize, it's still a lot of fun just to participate.
Now, for the second year in a row, Northern Attack is once again having a summer Office writing contest. Full details about the contest can be found here: Hiatus Entertainus: We’ve got that covered: A Summer Contest.
If it's anything like last year's contest, it'll be fun coming up with ideas for an entry, it'll be agonizing realizing all the things that could have been better, it'll be fun reading all the great entries, it'll be agonizing realizing how much better they are than mine, it'll be fun looking forward to next year's contest, and of course all the fun & agony that entails.
I submitted my entry for the first week's assignment earlier today, and I already have several small changes I really wish I could make. Unfortunately, editing entries once they're submitted is strictly prohibited, so I can't do that. But, there's nothing stopping me from posting what I wish my entry was here. So here it is in all its edited glory.
Writing Assignment #1: Northern Attackers Make a Scene
Conference room
Michael: Last night after work one of you walked in on me when I thought I was alone and saw something she shouldn't have.
Pam (Talking Head): I had to come back to the office after work last night because I forgot my sketchbook. When I came in I heard "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" blaring. Then I turned the corner and saw Michael dancing in his underwear.
Michael (Talking Head): A few weeks ago I got an email from a company offering me the chance to buy a prototype invisibility cloak at a special introductory price. I received it yesterday and tried it out after work. But I must have been using it wrong because Pam came in and she saw me.
Conference room after Michael's explained things to everyone.
Michael: It's only fair that I should get to see Pam in her underwear. And she has to do a little dance.
Kevin nods in agreement
Pam: No. That's ridiculous.
Jim: There's no such thing as an invisibility cloak, Michael. Didn't you realize that when you could still see yourself?
Michael: The instructions said I would be able to see myself since my eyes were under the cloak.
Dwight: Michael, if it makes you feel better you can watch me dance in my underwear.
Michael: Ugh.
Michael shakes his head
Michael: We need an "arbotrator."
Pam looks at Jim for help.
Jim raises his hands near his head and does a little dance move.
Pam smiles.
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In order to better prepare for this year's contest, here are my 8 entries from last year's Northern Attack & Office Tally summer writing contest. Following each of my original entries are some notes on what I think of them now, and what I would have done differently if I could do them over again.
Writing Assignment #1: Create a new office character. Name, occupation, and personality.
Sarah Rogers - Advertising Specialist. Sarah is 28 years old and single. She grew up in Minnesota and went to college at Lehigh University in Pennsylvania. Since graduating college she has worked at several different jobs around the Northeast. Sarah is hired at the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin to help them reach a more diverse customer base. She has a somewhat quiet presence in the office as she is focused on her work, but outside of the office she is quite energetic and extroverted, especially around friends. She quickly becomes friends with several people in the office including Pam, Jim, and perhaps surprisingly, Creed.
Jim is disappointed that Pam decided to stay with Roy after he finally told her how he felt, although the postponement of their June wedding date has left things unresolved. Eventually he decides he needs to try and move on and asks Sarah out on a date, which she accepts. Between Jim’s enduring feelings for Pam and Sarah’s tendency to move often the relationship is kept from getting too serious, although they both enjoy each other’s company. Pam is glad to see her friend happy but wonders if she made the right decision.
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After the contest was announced and before it started, I thought it was going to be some kind of discussion thing, where there were opinion questions or something about the show and everyone chimed in about something or other. When I saw the first assignment, my expectations for the contest were wildly changed. My main goal was just to write something - anything - so I'd be in the contest and try to do better the following weeks. I think this entry is pretty bland, even though a similar scenario did end up playing out in Season 3 (though without Karen and Creed being close friends, sadly). If I had it to do over again I'd definitely be more adventurous in making my character. And instead of "Sarah Rogers," I'd make it "Megan Albini," daughter of James P. Albini.
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Writing Assignment #2: Pick a character and develop a scenario for how they might have turned out in an alternate universe.
Kevin Malone, LFL Placekicker, 22nd Century
Kevin Malone is the starting placekicker for the Colbert Shredders in the Lunar Football League (LFL). Malone played for the Chappelle Ligers during his first two seasons in the LFL before being traded to the Shredders, where he has played for the past five seasons. He wears jersey number 69, which he has worn for the duration of his career. Malone holds several LFL records, including the record for longest field goal (219 yards).
Prior to his career in the LFL, Malone was a member of the United North American States Navy SEALs. In order to join the SEALs, Malone received several genetic enhancement procedures. This has led some to dispute the legitimacy of the LFL records he holds.
Malone is married to actress Aishwarya Leibowitz, whom he met while vacationing at Hedonism XIII on Mars. Malone had a cameo appearance in a recent holofilm starring Leibowitz, Summer At Greenland Beach, which was a remake of the early 21st century film American Pie 2.
During the off-season Malone is lead vocalist and drummer for LXIX, a Wyld Stallyns tribute band.
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This is my favorite entry that I made for the contest, and there are a ton of things I'd change with it. First, I'd change how it's structured. It's written like a Wikipedia entry or something. I think I'd change it so it was an obituary. Second, I'd have Kevin Malone be traded to the Colbert Shredders from the Chappelle Ligers in exchange for Oscar Martinez, to make clear that my entry was an alternate take on the paper football game (i.e., hateball) that Kevin & Oscar played in Office Olympics. Finally, I'd try to figure out a better way to end it, since I didn't even have an ending, and I'd be sure to use the remaining 11 words I had at my disposal. OfficeAddict's entry for this assignment, which featured a Prohibition era Meredith, was my favorite entry of the whole contest.
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Writing Assignment #3: If you could follow one Dunder-Mifflin employee around on the weekend, who would it be and what do you think you’d witness?
Friday night after work Michael Scott goes to Scranton High for his weekly improv group meeting. When he arrives he finds the group just getting finished. Apparently they changed their meeting time and no one told him. Michael then goes to see a movie, but all that's playing is Over the Hedge, which he already saw. He decides to call it a night and when he gets home he finds the new issue of MAD Magazine in the mail. He reads that until he dozes off to sleep.
On Saturday Michael calls Carole to ask if she and her two kids want to go with him to Claws 'N' Paws that afternoon. They go and everything is going great until Michael gets too close to one of the porcupines and gets a bunch of quills shot into his foot, forcing them to end the trip early.
On Sunday Michael drives to Dickson City to take his mom to church. Afterwards he takes her out to eat at Chuck E. Cheese's. Michael then heads back to Scranton and spends the rest of the day playing poker online so that he'll be prepared for the next time he faces Toby.
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This is another one of my favorite entries from the contest. It's also probably the one I'd make the fewest changes to. In Office Olympics Michael said he subscribed to Cracked, not MAD Magazine. I just got the two mixed-up, and I'd probably change it to Cracked, although I kind of like it how it is, so he reads both magazines. I did a ton of research online for this entry, looking for interesting things from Scranton that I could add to my entry to make it flavorful. I finally decided on Claws 'N' Paws, which is a zoo about a half hour outside of Scranton. I wish, though, that I could have come up with something better to happen there than a trite reimagining of The Injury. And even reading it now, I still think the idea of Michael taking his mom out to eat at Chuck E. Cheese after church is really funny.
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Writing Assignment #4: What new pranks would you like to see Jim pull on Dwight in Season 3?
For Halloween Jim comes to work dressed up as Dwight, complete with the brown suit, dark yellow shirt, gold tie, glasses, and a similar hairdo. When Dwight sees Jim he turns red with anger, which is appropriate, since he is dressed up as a giant beet. Pam finds Jim’s costume too disturbing, though, so she asks him to change. He agrees to change back to plain white Jim over the lunch hour. Before he can go home to change, though, Jim notices that, peculiarly, Angela is continually glancing at him and finding excuses to come talk to him.
When Jim gets back from lunch he sees that Dwight is still gone so he hides a walkie-talkie in Dwight’s desk. Then after Dwight returns, Jim and Pam go to the kitchen area and make strange noises and whisper things into the other walkie-talkie. Before long Dwight becomes convinced that his desk is haunted.
Eventually Dwight finds the walkie-talkie and is outraged. Dwight tries to call corporate to report Jim’s malfeasance, using speed dial. Unfortunately for him, earlier in the day Jim reprogrammed all of Dwight’s speed dial numbers to instead dial a Scranton mental health clinic.
=====
The somewhat cool thing about this entry is that in the Season 3 episode Product Recall JIM ACTUALLY DID COME TO WORK DRESSED AS DWIGHT!!! To me, that made up for not winning any prizes. Well, almost. I mean, it was an iPod. Anyway, I think my first two pranks are fine, although I'd change some details, but my third one is blah, and I'd scrap it and try to think of something more interesting.
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Writing Assignment #5: Pick a character from the show and write their profile as if it will be used in an online personality test.
You are Dwight Schrute
You are a natural born sidekick. You work hard and perform your job to the best of your abilities. In addition, you often seek out extra work and responsibilities. You consider protecting your boss to be one of your primary duties. You view work as a kind of war, and look down on those who use time at work to socialize or make friends, which you haven't done. You follow nature's law of survival of the fittest and refuse to coddle the weak.
Positive qualities that you pride yourself on include discipline, intensity, strength, punctuality, enthusiasm, and above all else, loyalty. If a situation arises and you must choose between following the rules or being loyal, you will choose loyalty. You try to remain calm and logical whenever possible, although this can be difficult when dealing with what you perceive as incompetence or something threatens your relationship with your boss.
You consider yourself an expert on human behavior, but in actuality you still have a lot to learn. Others are able to take advantage of you because of your gullibility. Your reverence for authority often leads you to take foolish actions.
=====
The only good thing I can say about this entry is that I like my first sentence. Other than that, I think this entry is total garbage. Giving it an F-- is too generous. Since I like most of my other entries, I like to tell myself that this abomination was the reason I didn't win any of the prizes. Even though others had much better entries for all other writing assignments, singling out the obvious horridness of this one keeps me from appreciating how far down the list I must have been even with my best entries.
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Writing Assignment #6: Besides mung bean sprouts, what else do you think Creed keeps in his desk drawer and why?
Creed’s middle desk drawer contains reading material for times when work is slow because no one needs to be assured of the quality of Dunder Mifflin paper. This includes a copy of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu in Simplified Chinese that he checked out from a Hong Kong public library in 1983 and never returned, a Grand Theft Auto strategy guide, several issues of Warren Ellis’s Planetary comic book, the Summer 1974 issue of High Times, and the weekly menu for St. Francis of Assisi Kitchen.
Creed’s bottom desk drawer contains a disheveled melange of various items. Near the top are some Dundie Awards from past years, including the “Hope You Had Fun Wherever You Were” award, which he won after the time that he didn’t show up to work for two weeks without any prior warning. Then when he returned he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Other items include a sequined cornflower blue purse, a winning lottery ticket that would have been worth several hundred thousand dollars if only he had remembered to redeem it before it expired in 1998, schematics for a working space elevator, and a bag of oregano.
=====
I think this entry is decent, as I really like most of the things I came up with. I included the issue of Planetary because Creed Bratton shares a slight resemblance to the main character of Planetary, Elijah Snow:
A short time after I posted this entry I thought of some more things I wish I had included. They were:
-Charlotte Light and Dark by Gareth Feinberg Ph.D.
-Bronze medal from the 1957 hopscotch world championships - he might have won silver or gold if his right foot had 5 toes
-Hat FM baseball cap with built in radio
-Key to safety deposit box, which is empty except for a key to a storage locker, which contains over 3,000 stolen Post-It Note Pads
I'm not sure if I'd use all 4 of these things, but I'd definitely take out the Grand Theft Auto strategy guide (a reference to Creed playing at the arcade in Michael's Birthday), as well as "the weekly menu for St. Francis of Assisi Kitchen" (Scranton's soup kitchen), as I don't really like either of those.
For this entry, more than any other that I'm aware of, it would have been really helpful to know in advance what the two judges, tanster and James, were looking for when judging entries. I thought it would be best to think of mostly plausible things (with the obvious exception of the schematics for a working space elevator). In contrast, the grand prize winner's entry for this assignment was a list of mostly ridiculous things and very unrealistic things (including "8453 Florida ballots from the 2004 Presidential Election" - I'm not sure if having the ballots be from 2004 was a mistake on the writer's part or intentional, and having the ballots be from 4 years after the election when Florida's ballots were so important was the point, that being something Creed would do. Still, ridiculous or not, the grand prize winner's entry was without a doubt extremely creative, so maybe that's what mattered most. To this day I don't know for sure, though, since as far as I know the judges never explained what they judged the entries by, and all we have to go by is by reading and rereading the winning entries.
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Writing Assignment #7: What should Roy do if he ever finds out about The Kiss?
Roy decides to do something unforgettable for Pam to show her that he's serious about saving their relationship. Roy knows that Pam is a big fan of Taylor Hicks, and that in a couple of weeks Hicks is going to be performing at the Wachovia Arena in Wilkes-Barre. Although the show is long sold-out, Roy has a connection, and not only is he able to get tickets for seats near the stage, but also he's able to obtain Hicks's phone number. He calls Hicks to explain his situation and say that it would mean a lot to him if Hicks was able to do something special for Pam at the concert. They go to the concert and as the night progresses, while Pam is clearly enjoying the show, Roy is growing increasingly worried that Hicks forgot about his request. Hicks gets to the end of the set and announces that the next song will be the last one, and that it's dedicated to Pam Beesly, from her fiancé Roy. He then gives a spellbinding performance of "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Pam is overwhelmed, and at least for one night, she forgets about Jim Halpert.
=====
True story: After I had this idea, I was so worried that someone else would come up with it and submit before I did that I dropped what I was doing and raced to write it up and submit it. Anyway, this entry was definitely my most "out there" one of the contest, and I don't know if it hurt me or helped me. I had several other ideas before this one, including one about Roy going to Poor Richard's to meet Captain Jack to talk about things. Here's the unpolished 457 word rough draft:
Not knowing who else to turn to, Roy calls up Captain Jack and asks him to meet him at Poor Richard's to discuss a personal problem. They meet and over several rounds of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer Roy explains the situation and asks Jack for advice. Jack knows about the documentary that's being filmed, so he says that actions that might normally be reasonable, such as confronting Pam, confronting Jim, or trying to treat Pam better, might not be the best course of action in this case. Instead, he recommends "forming a crisis" in order to win over both Pam and the audience of the documentary with sympathy, so that she will have no choice but to stay with him. Over several more rounds of beer, they decide that Roy will fake an accident on his WaveRunner that will leave him incapacitated enough that will require lots of help, but not so severe that he can't do his job. Jack recommends that Roy meet with a personal injury lawyer to get all the details of the fake injury correct so that it will be convincing as possible. Roy mentions that he drives past a billboard for James P. Albini everyday to work, and Jack says he would be perfect. Satisfied with his plan, Roy orders Jägermeister shots for everyone in the bar. As he's driving home Roy, who is completely inebriated by now, loses control of his truck and crashes into a building, killing him instantly.
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That's too dark for my liking, so that probably partly explains why I was in such a hurry when I came up with the idea I ended up using. But as soon as I submitted my entry I immediately started having second thoughts on whether I should have used the idea I did. I don't think there's any point to picking little things I might have changed, as the only real decision for this entry was to either use this idea or come up with something entirely different. If I had it to do over again I'd probably go for something entirely different, although I don't know what.
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Writing Assignment #8: What song would you most like to hear from Scrantonicity, where, and why?
Michael decides to hold a soirée for representatives of 50 area businesses that used to have their paper supplied by Dunder Mifflin. He hopes that he and the sales staff will be able to convince some of them to once again give their business to Dunder Mifflin. Since there will be too many people to hold the event at Chili’s, it’s instead held in the Station Ballroom at the Radisson. The night includes dinner, business presentations, and entertainment provided by Dunder Mifflin employees.
Lonny from the warehouse does a stand-up comedy routine and he gets a lot of laughs. Creed takes the stage and announces that he’ll be doing some magic. He then requests a $20 bill from the audience which he says he’ll make disappear. Someone gives him one and he makes good on his word by walking off the stage and leaving. It’s silent for a little bit but then everyone starts laughing. The highlight of the entertainment though is Scrantonicity. They perform several songs, the most memorable of which is “Working for the Weekend” by Loverboy. It is quite entertaining to see the usually lethargic Kevin perform such an energetic song.
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For the final writing assignment, I put the most effort into coming up with a scenario where Scrantonicity might play, and comparatively little effort into thinking of the song they'd play, and even less effort coming up with what else happened at the event. If I had it to do over again, I'd definitely spend more time working on the latter 2 things.
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So there are my 8 entries with analysis from last year's Office Tally & Northern Attack writing contest. Realistically, though, the entries of the other contestants, not only those of the 6 who won prizes, but also everyone who entered, were really good, and even if my 8 entries were ones that I was happy with now, I think I'd be lucky to land somewhere in the middle of the pack. Based on the early entries for this year's contest, and considering the vastly different judging system, I'll be lucky if I get 1 vote over the course of the entire contest. Still, like I said at the outset, even without the hope of winning a prize, it's still a lot of fun just to participate.
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