"The less you know, the more you should pretend to know."

Today Now!: How To Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election

Today is June 26 and...

1. My AVG Free 7.5 just updated successfully, and I didn't get that annoying pop-up that updates would not be available after June 25.

Edit: D'oh, I spoke too soon. About 5 minutes after the update I got the pop-up, and it still said June 25. I checked the date of the update, and it was released yesterday. I might have to update to 8.0 after all. :(

2. Last night I finished the first draft of my entry for week 4 of NA's Summer Hiatus contest. I'm going to tweak it a little today, and then I'll be ready to post it. But I'm going to try really hard not to. Even though, logically, I know that it's very improbable that anyone is going to post an entry with the same basic idea, I have an irrational feeling that if I don't post it soon that that's exactly what's going to happen.

3. This is awesome.

George Carlin, RIP.

George Carlin was one of my favorite stand-up comedians, and other than the simple fact that today the word is a much less funnier place, I don't really have anything else to say.

Jessica Hagy of indexed put it well, as usual.

RIP, funnyman.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 3

I had a much more difficult time than normal deciding on which 3 entries to vote for from week 2. I had 1 favorite, and 7 that were close behind.

The prompt from Week #3: Congratulations, Nard-Wipe!

My entry:

Conference room. Everyone is sitting except for Dwight, Jim, Phyllis, Stanley, and Andy, who are standing in a line, and Michael, who is standing separately and looks really excited.

Michael: All Dunder Mifflin Scranton salespeople, please take one step forward.

A few glances are shared between them, then they begin to do so.

Michael: Not so fast, Andy!

Michael's face can barely contain his smile. Andy's face goes pale.

Michael: Anyone want to guess why?

Meredith: Because of all that damn singing?

Creed: The fish on his desk, which are going to waste?

Phyllis: Because he got engaged to one of his fellow employees, one who didn't disclose her relationship to HR?

Angela covers her eyes with her hand.

Michael: No, no, and no. It's because Dunder Mifflin is opening a branch in Ithaca, NY, and Andy is going to be the regional manager!

Andy dances obnoxiously for a moment.

Besides some groans, there is little other reaction.

Andy (Singing):
“I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through
[I am the champion], my friends”

Andy tries to high five several people, but only Michael high fives him.

Andy (TH): The late Cornell professor Carl Sagan once said, “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” I wonder what incredible thing is next for me.

Angela (TH): I've made a huge mistake.

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Before the contest I decided I would try to always submit my entries on Saturday or Sunday to make sure if I had a good idea in the later half of the week I wouldn't be SOL because I had already submitted my entry. The first two weeks I submitted my entry on Thursday, and got lucky only having 1 major regret, but this time I submitted my entry on Monday night and had a lot of regrets as the week went by. Still, I'm not sure if I'd have done it differently even if I could. I got an idea I liked and went with it. But I'm really going to try to hold off submitting my entry for week 4 until Saturday or Sunday.

Mc****

The final cylon is...

Laura Roslin? That's my best guess right now, anyway. D'Anna said that 4 are in the fleet, so assuming it's not someone who died earlier (e.g. Zak Adama, Kendra Shaw, Ellen Tigh, or Cally) then I think that means the 5th was on the base ship, and that only leaves two major character possibilities: Roslin or Baltar. During the time when D'Anna was purposely dying so she could download and try to see the final five, she made a drawing of the final five, and while the features are indistinct, 2 of them appear to be women, and since so far we only know 1 woman of the final 5 (Torrie), Roslin remains a possible candidate. Also, a couple episodes ago when D'Anna was talking to Roslin for the first time after being unboxed she casually told Roslin that she was one of the final five, and then said she was joking. This could be her way of seeing whether Roslin knew she was a cylon or not.

After the episode, in the preview for the rest of the season, Tigh says in a scraggly voice, "You're the fifth." The way he says it seems like it's someone close to him, which would seem to rule out Roslin, and suggest someone like Admiral Adama or his dead wife Ellen. The latter possibility would go along with the idea that the final cylon is a woman. Maybe a copy of her is on Earth and he's the first to see her.

In any case, last night's episode was frakking awesome. I didn't even know it was the mid-season finale until halfway through or so when it came back from commercial and saw the bar at the bottom describing it as such. Apparently the second half of Season 4 isn't going to start airing for at least another 7 months. :(

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 2

The entries for the Week #1's prompt were incredible. Right after the deadline ended I spent a couple hours listening to all the original songs while reading the parody lyrics. That was fun. Then I had to decide which 3 I was going to vote for. It was fun reading them all, but not fun trying to pick 3 favorites. I eventually got it down to 7, then 5, then finally 3. I changed my mind on the 3rd one a couple times, but finally made up my mind. Last year, if I remember correctly, only like 7 of the 24 entries I voted on over the course of the competition were on the overall leader board, so it'll be interesting to see how similar my votes are to the overall top picks each week.

Here's the prompt for Week #2, which was posted the other day.

Week #2: Karen's Last Words

My entry:

Karen is in the break room getting a cup of coffee. After taking a few sips, she notices a notepad on one of the tables. She goes over to it and sees a page with her and Pam's names at the top, with attributes listed under each. She then looks at some of the other pages, and sees pages and pages of M&Ms drawn as sexy women. She realizes it's Kevin's notepad and decides to confront him about it. Before doing so she first has another cup of coffee.

Karen approaches Kevin who is sitting at his desk looking at his monitor.

Kevin: (Quietly) Peggy... nice.

Karen: KEVIN!

Kevin quickly clicks his mouse. Karen shoves the notepad in front of his face.

Karen: What is this?

Kevin looks at the notepad, then around his desk, then up at Karen.

Kevin: Hey!

Karen: Well?

Kevin glances over at Jim, then looks down.

Kevin: I can't tell you.

Karen: Yes you will tell me, Kevin. One way or another.

Karen smiles. Kevin perks up.

Later. Camera close-up on Kevin's face.

Kevin: Oh, yes. That's it. Don't stop.

Camera zooms out. Kevin is receiving a foot massage from Karen. Both are fully clothed, and she has on yellow kitchen gloves and a white paper mask.

Kevin: You know what would be great, is if you took those gloves off, and I took my socks off.

Karen: Don't push it. Anyway, I think that's enough. So spill it.

Kevin rubs his goatee for a moment.

Kevin: Well...

Just then, Pam opens the break room door and sees Karen and Kevin.

Karen: I can explain...

Pam makes a lips zipped motion with her hand.

Karen: (Quietly) Maybe you aren't a bitch after all.

Pam: What?

Karen: Nothing.

Relieved, Karen goes to hug Pam. They hug.

Kevin is watching intently, with a smile on his face.

After they're done hugging, they separate, but then Karen kisses Pam sensually.

Kevin: YES!

Kevin runs to go get his camera.

Pam pushes Karen away.

Karen: You're really going to date him?

Pam nods.

Karen: Ok.

Karen walks away.

Karen (TH): Utica, here I come.

Later. Ryan comes into the break room and looks around for something. He freezes when he sees the empty coffee pot. He goes over and looks inside the funnel.

Ryan: Oh [Bleeped].

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MP3 Link | Alternate Link

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This definitely wasn't my first idea, and it changed a ton as I worked on it. Initially there was a section where Karen talked to Tom (since it's an alternate universe), and there was no Pam bit at the end. I added that after completing a draft and then re-reading the prompt and realizing it did not fulfill the basic requirements of the prompt. I know my entry isn't very creative, and the "important" Pam bit isn't creative at all, but now I can relax and enjoy the other awesome entries.

ETA (6/13): The regrets begin.

Karen (TH): ...

Karen just sits there with a puzzled look on her face. She then gets up and leaves.

Another Office Contest, Woohoo!

A couple years ago OfficeTally had a tagline contest (link goes to cached page) which culminated with a bunch of great tags (link goes to cached page) being added to the quote randomizer for a couple weeks.

Now they're having another tagline contest: OfficeTally Tagline Contest, 2008. Unlike last time, where you could submit as many taglines as you wanted, this time you can only submit one. This makes things extra difficult since last time I think I submitted 15 taglines or so, and a few of them were selected for rotation (yay!), but the ones of mine that were picked weren't my favorites. So I'm thinking maybe I would have a better chance if I submit one that I don't like as much. Anyway, I've tried a few ideas so far and I'm having a difficult time getting them down to 60 characters or less, as most of them seem about right at 80 characters, and lose their punch below that. Here are a few of the too long taglines I've come up with so far:

If the final cylon turns out to be OfficeTally, then I guess I'm a cylon lover.

I would never say this to its face, but OfficeTally is a wonderful and incredibly useful website.

(I'll update this post as I think of more taglines, hopefully including some that are below the 60 character maximum.)

As promised, here are some more:

I would never say this to its face, but OfficeTally rules!

If Dwight is VP, OfficeTally better be Secretary of Labor.

Dwight Schrute for VP? Maybe. OfficeTally for VP? Fo sho!

Dwight as Vice President? Only if OfficeTally is President!

DunMiff/sys: You beat me. You are the superior website.

If OT ever quit and moved to Costa Rica I would kill myself.

If OfficeTally went to prison like Ryan I would kill myself.

The reason why Hank took so long to come back to let everyone out.

And here's the one I ended up submitting:

I'm not *F5* obsessed, but *F5* I am *F5* a little-sessed.

(In the original version I used addicted. That did not work well.)

Edit (6/11): I am a moron. The original quotation I based my tagline on was Michael Scott saying "I'm not superstitious, but I... I am a little-stitious." The way he always mispronounces and mangles words, I never realized that in this instance he's actually thinking about the word and substituting little in place of super to more accurately indicate his level of superstition. The episode it's from, Fun Run, aired like 9 months ago, so yeah... I'm a moron. I wonder what other obvious things I've missed over the course of the show. But I can't edit my original entry, and the rules say only one entry per person, so I guess I'm stuck with my nonsensical entry. Oh well. Anyway, here's a new tagline that expresses the same idea, except makes sense (hopefully), based on a quotation from Oscar from Gay Witch Hunt:

No. I'm *F5* not obsessed. *F5* Uh, yeah *F5* I'm obsessed.

ETA (6/13): I submitted the updated tagline. Hopefully that doesn't disqualify me.

My ranking of Season 4 episodes of The Office

Today I saw that OfficeTally had started OfficeTally Survivor Poll: Season 4. I was expecting it to be posted later in the summer, so that it would end in early/mid September right before the premiere of Season 5, but I guess not. Also, I thought maybe the poll would have the first 4 hourlong episodes broken down into 2 parts, since they were designed to be able to air as 2 separate episodes, and also since that would make the voting last about as long as it did for seasons 2 & 3. And as a side benefit, make them easier to evaluate since on some of them I loved the first half, but didn't care for the second half all that much (e.g., Launch Party). Anyway, today I made my first list ranking the episodes. I'm pretty comfortable with how I have the top few and bottom few, but I'm not at all sure about the middle ones. As with my lists for the previous seasons, I'll probably end up changing the list around over the next few weeks. Here is my current list:

1. Branch Wars
2. Money
3. Fun Run
4. Chair Model
5. Launch Party
6. Local Ad
7. Goodbye, Toby
8. Night Out
9. Dinner Party
10. Dunder Mifflin Infinity
11. The Deposition
12. Did I Stutter?
13. Survivor Man
14. Job Fair

A few notes:

My favorite episode of the season, Branch Wars, would have been just about perfect if they had replaced the scene in the break room where the Finer Things Club was interrupted by Kevin trying to get his vending machine purchase and Phyllis trying to make popcorn with the deleted scene (my favorite of the season) where Jim and Pam talk on the phone about Karen, and we see Michael, Jim, and Dwight in the car on their way back to Scranton from Ithaca.

Even though Survivor Man was my second least favorite episode of the season, it had my favorite scene of the season, the one where Michael does his birthday surprises to Kelly, Oscar, and Phyllis.

While I liked the deposition parts of The Deposition, I did not care for the ping pong B story, as I thought Kelly, being mean to Pam, and to a lesser extent Dwight, saying his heroes were professional ping pong players, was very out of character for them. The scene in the cafeteria with Michael and Toby is probably my 2nd favorite scene of the season.

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest - Week 1

Northern Attack's 2008 Summer Hiatus Contest has begun, and earlier today I posted my entry for the first week's prompt. Like last year, I plan on posting my entries for all the prompts here, along with comments. The prompt for this week:

Week #1: A Plethora Of Parodies

My entry:

The Grilling Buffoon by Pam Beesly

A parody of The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen

At my desk we listened to you
Tell us about your injury
Stay home and rest I begged you
Alas, you did not agree
The grilling time
For belly of swine

Baked your foot in a grill
Red and swollen skin
It will hurt until
You take some aspirin

In the conference room I saw you
So calmly you called me
Asked me to rub butter on your foot for you
Your request did not fill me with glee
The grilling buffoon
Don't expect that anytime soon

Baked your foot in a grill
Red and swollen skin
It will hurt until
You take some aspirin

Ryan pretended he didn't hear you
When you fell when you tried to pee
You had no choice but to make do
A burned foot is not a disability
In fact it's rather benign
In a day or two you'll be fine

Baked your foot in a grill
Red and swollen skin
It will hurt until
You take some aspirin

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There are already a couple things I wish I could change with my entry, but it's too late for that now.

I don't think I'd ever written a song parody before. I thought writing the parody was challenging and a little tedious. My favorite part of working on my entry for this prompt was going through songs and thinking of ideas for parodies and changing the title to be a parody. Now that was fun! Here are a few I came up with:

Pam Beesly Tolerates Her Boss Michael Scott by Jim Halpert
-A parody of Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots Pt.1 by The Flaming Lips

The Wind Cries Teri by Stanley Hudson
-A parody of The Wind Cries Mary by Jimi Hendrix

LittleKidLover by Jan Levenson
-A parody of Little Miss Lover by Jimi Hendrix

Hey Drew by Andy Bernard (written to himself, to help him stay calm after he finds out about Angela & Dwight)
-A parody of Hey Jude by The Beatles

All You Need Is Paper by Michael Scott
-A parody of All You Need Is Love by The Beatles

Sabotage by Andy Bernard (after he got out of the lake)
-A parody of Sabotage by Beastie Boys

Bars by Meredith Palmer
-A parody of Cars by Gary Numan

The Nurse That Danced On Me by Michael Scott
-A parody of The Nurse That Loved Me by Failure

Schrute Oddity by Jim Halpert
-A parody of Space Oddity by David Bowie

The Onion Does It Again, Again

Now That I've Learned About Foreshadowing, I'm Going To Use It In All Of My Stories

Guess what? There is this really neat literary device I just learned about, and it's called "foreshadowing." It's this thing where, in the beginning of the story, you put in all these little "hints" about stuff that's going to happen later on. I can't wait to try it out!